Less Money, Less Headache

So last week our latest housing loan statement came. Hubby took one look at it and declared, "That does it. We're getting rid of this loan!"

So it has been decided. We're going to pay off our housing loan (KJ apartment). But of course, just having the determination to get rid of this blood-sucking (literally!) debt is not enough. For one thing, the bank is not making it easy.

"Oh, the person in charge of housing loans is not in lah. Can you call back in 1 hour?"

"Can you call back after lunch?"

"Can you call back tomorrow?"

"Can you cross your eyes, pull one leg up above your head and balance on the other? Coz that might amuse our housing loan officer and he might grant you an appearance."

So finally, after several calls (and a few heated ones), we got the handphone number of that blasted housing loan officer. Of course, actually getting an appointment to see him proved to be another headache.

Arghhhh!! Why do these banks make it so hard for us to give OUR money to them? Sure, they'll lose out on getting MORE money from us because of the bloody interest they're charging us but still....

Our savings will be significantly diminished but that's ok. We certainly won't be going for major holidays this year (I guess it would have to be Cameron Highlands or such) since we still have plans to buy a new car and we need some savings to do house renovations next year (Bangi house).

Anyway, it's just money. Insya'allah, we'll be able to save up again.

Ideas For the Girls' Room

I was staying at my parents' place for the weekend. Hubby and the girls were in Melaka for a long overdue visit, plus kebetulan got 2 family gatherings (engagements and Qiqah). Hubby asked whether I felt up to travel to Melaka but I pleaded "still in confinement". I kind of regretted it a bit coz I missed hubby and the girls like mad.

To pass the time, I got to thinking about our house in Bangi and our plans to move there next year. I thought about all the renovations we were planning to do and all the decorating I would do. Like most people, I hate moving; packing clothes, wrapping stuff, finding out you never have enough boxes for all your stuff.....Bleeh!! However I do like the thought of renovating and decorating my own home. Just ask hubby, I'm a sucker for renovating/decorating TV shows like Trading Spaces, Casa Impian and the likes.

So I surfed the net to get a few ideas. I came to Better Homes and Living and spent hours just reading their articles and looking at their slideshows. Here are a few photos I liked for the kids room.

Kids Room 1: What I liked about this room is the wall treatment. So different from the usual "paint a single color" that we are all used to. I also love the ceiling; really gives the room some personality. I was thinking of buying those glow-in-the-dark star stickers for the girls' room. Make them feel like they're really sleeping under the stars.

Kids Room 2: Hubby already bought bunk beds for the girls so I selected this photo because it features a bunk bed. I love the way the used the wall around the window to place the cabinets and also put in a seating bench. That's one space-saving idea I'm going to use.

Kids Room 3: I love the simplicity and the colorfulness of the room. The circles on the walls don't look like they're too hard to do (mega dosage of self confidence going on here). However Dania has already mentioned she would like to have princesses on her walls (I heard you can buy wall stickers for this) and Dina wants Winnie The Pooh.

Kids Room 4: I love this idea but I don't think it's practical in the girls' room. For one thing, the rooms aren't that big. Once I put in the bunk bed and some closet space, there's not much room for anything else. But I still love the orange walls (or is it light brown?).

Kids Room 5: A suitable closet idea for the kids. I might make the doors sliding instead of swinging to save space and I would certainly make it go all the way to the ceiling. I do love the fact the window treatment blends into the colors of the walls.

Kids Room 6: OK, my kids don't play with dolls so the whole tea party thingy in the middle won't be happening. But push that out of the way and you still have a charming little room. I love the bench beside the window, with all the pillows and stuff. I envision that to be my place where I snuggle up and read to the kids on stormy days. Ahhh, heaven.

Kids Room 7: Can you say COLOR? Despite the very cheerful decorating, this room does not look cluttered nor do any of the pieces on the room look out of place. Again the cheerful walls make a huge difference from those regular boring ones we usually see. I don;t think so much about the floor treatment; I think that was going just a little overboard. I do however love the multicolored chairs, a simple, practical and inexpensive way of adding life to the room.

Kids Room 8: Again, it's the colors that get me. I LOVE blue and I love the fact there's so much of it here. The wall painting look like something my kids could make (not a bad idea actually; just frame a few drawings the kids did) and the pillows look ever so comfy.

Kids Room 9: Contrast to the last 2 photos, this one is going for more of a serene atmosphere, which I agree should be in a bedroom. I simply love the window treatment, goes along with the whole "flowers in the meadow" theme. If you ask me kids what kids of theme they would like for their room, mostly they'll scream out anything from Playhouse Disney to Spongebob so I don't know if I'll be able to copy much from this.

Kids Room 10: I love the practicality of this room. Beds and closet space all in one small corner yet it still looks cosy, not claustrophobic. I think a whole lot of good lighting (natural would be best) is something you would need to pull this off. I don't know if I would want Dania to sleep at such a high altitude (it does look high doesn't it? Almost to the ceiling) just in case she gets the night jitters and falls down. Worst would be her falling on her sister down below. Yikes!

Kids Room 11: One of my main concerns for all the bedrooms is closet space. Why we have so much junk I'll never know but we do, and we have to live with it. A lot of the girls' clothes that are too small for them are still in excellent condition so I keep them with their regular clothes. Of course, this causes closet overflow.

I'm still deliberating on how to decorate the girls' room but I guess until the time comes for us to move, then only I'll be able to get better measurements and a better idea of what can be done.

Next up: The kitchen. Ahhh...the possibilities.

Tagged! My Layers..

OK, my last few posts have been categorised as "downers" so today I'm changing the mood. Being stuck at home, I don't have much to blog happily about (other than the kids) so I'm taking the easy route and doing this blog tag Halwafy gave me.

ps: Noresh, I know I owe you the "6 weird things" tag but this one was much easier to do than yours. I'll do yours soon, promise, :D.

OK, so here it is.

Layer One: On the Outside

Name: Along. Not my real name but I've been called this since I was born (my parents were sure I wasn't going to be the only child). Even my classmates, teachers, officemates and bosses know me by this name. Sometimes when people call me by my real name, I buat dunno. Terforgot. Hahahaha...
Birthdate: 15th May, 1976. Taurus, don't mess with me, I'll ram you with my horns. Hahaha..
Current status: Married with two daughters.
Eye color: Dark brown
Hair Color: Black, with some stray white hairs in between. Arghh, getting old!!
Righty or Lefty: Righty

Layer Two: On the Inside

My heritage: Pure Malay, which a lot of people don't believe. They always ask if either of my parents are Arab or from the Middle East. My dad's side has some Bugis blood (explains my "hot blood temper", hehe) and my mom's Minangkabau + Mainland China. So I really don't see where this Middle East thing comes from.
My fears: Anything bad happening to my family.
My Weaknesses: Too many to list down. I know I have a long way to go to become a perfect wife, mother and muslim.
My perfect pizza: Papa John. What kept me alive during my Uni years. Luurrvvveee the sauce!!

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

My thoughts first thing when I wake up: Nowadays, it's "has hubby and Kaklong gone to work/school yet?" Previously it was, "cuti ke arini?"
My bedtime: I'm an owl. I can stay up with a good book until 2-3am. Hubby always goes to bed earlier than I do (unless I'm sick).
My most missed memory: My Uni years. As stressful as they could get, I just loved travelling during the holidays. I miss those days!!

Layer Four: My picks

Pepsi or Coke: Coke. Especially Vanilla Coke.
Mc Donald's or Burger King: Whichever my kids feel like eating at. I really don't have any preferences.
Single or Group Dates: Group dates in the beginning. If I like the guy enough, then it's on to single dates.
Adidas or Nike: Whichever is cheaper and more comfortable to wear. I am not a brand whore, unlike my brothers!!!
Tea or Nestea: Tea - ask my colleagues. I always order hot lemon tea when we eat out for lunch.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate. The darker the better.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee (and the likes) gives me constipation. So, nada.

Layer Five: Do I

Smoke: Used to (I was young and stupid). But quit cold turkey after my aunt caught me and threatened to tell my parents.
Curse: Hell yeah. I've laid off swearing quite a bit since I became a mother but once in a while, some foul word will escape my lips.
Take a shower: Yeah, my bathrooms are micromini that a bathtub can't fit.
Have a crush: I love Edward Norton!!!
Think I've Been In love: I wouldn't have married hubby if I wasn't madly in love with him. So, yes.
Go to school: No. Thank god. Hahaha.
Want to get married: Over and done with.
Believe in myself: Yes, to a point, but not enough to make some drastic changes in my life that I really want to.
Think I'm a health freak: Not really but I'm working on that. After confinement, TAEBO, here I come again!!

Layer Six: In the past month

Drank alcohol: No, never have, never will.
Gone to the mall: No!!! Having been in 2 months.
Been on stage: No.
Eaten Sushi: Am not a big fan. Would eat it if someone belanja me, but I wouldn't spend my own money to buy it.
Dyed your hair: No, hubby doesn't like any part of me to be artificial. Hahahaha..so I guess plastic surgery is out too.

Layer Seven: Have I ever

Played a stripping game: Oh my god. I confess, YES!! Actually it was Strip Uno (don't laugh) and of course I played it with hubby. Will not reveal who is the Ultimate Champion. Hahaha..
Changed who I am to fit in: I tend to be sensitive to other people so while I'm usually a bit loud and fouled mouth with close friends, I mellow down with people I've just met or are not accustomed to such "wildness". So I still be myself, just the mellow kind.

Layer Eight: Age

I am hoping to be married: Done at 25 years old.

Layer Nine:

What was I doing1 min ago: Watched Spongebob Squarepants with the girls. Doing this tag.
1 hour ago: Playing Play-Doh with the girls.
4.5 hours ago: Watching Oprah reruns.
1 month ago: I think I was either sick at home, or sick in the hospital.
1 year ago: Cannot remember. Will have to check my older posts.

Layer Ten: Finish The Sentence

I love: hubby and my girls.
I feel: bored at the moment. Yet dreading the day I have to go back to work.
I hate: A lot of things. Ahaks. My Hate List is here.
I hide: my sadness from hubby. He doesn't know this, but since....I've cried myself to sleep nearly every night.
I need: to take care of my health better. I intend to be there for my kids and their kids too (and their kids too, Insya'allah).

Layer Eleven:

Tag 5 people

Aiseh...a lot of people have already been tagged by this tag, so whoever feels like doing it, just go ahead and do so. Let me know if you do in my comments section and I'll come to your blog to check it out.

Minah, I'm So Not Interested!!

Some people have so much nerve. I understand she's a saleswoman but seriously, to hunt down hubby's hand phone number, which is not listed in the company's directory, just to get out home address is way to creepy. And desperate. Plus I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SALES PITCH!!

I met this lady at the spa yesterday. We made small talk for like 5 minutes and I gave her my business card (totally regretting it now, beating head against wall). I thought nothing of it until she called me this afternoon. I was putting Dania to sleep and was kind of woozy myself. She introduced herself, like an old friend, that I had trouble placing who the hell was this person. She mentioned that she was at the spa and was thinking of coming over to see me. Errr, yah, I don't think so. For one thing, I hadn't taken my bath yet (eventhough it was 1.30pm) and secondly, I was really in no mood to have visitors, especially if their motive was to give a sales pitch. I gave some lame excuse regarding the kids and told her to call me next time. Which if that person was smart actually means, DUDE, DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN!!

I still thought nothing about the phone call until hubby came back and told me about this phone call he received from an old friend of mine. Huh?!! For one thing, not many people know hubby's new number, especially my friends. After talking, we found out that this saleswoman had somehow hunted down hubby's phone number and proceeded to call him while he was in the middle of a meeting. Hubby, thinking the woman actually was a friend of mine, gave her our home address!!!! ARGHHH!!!

The thing that gets me is the fact she lied to hubby. She told hubby that she was an old friend of mine and had just heard the news about our baby yesterday. Yeah, from me!!! Hubby was so convinced she was an old friend coz she sounded so friendly (like all salespeople) and she sounded sincere in wanted to come visit me to check up how I was doing. Seriously, the nerve!!

So far, she hasn't called me back and hasn't showed up yet at our front gate. I have no idea what to do when she does and believe me, she will!! Arghh, if only I had a goose to sic on her. Hahahaha..

Stay away!! Minah, I'm not interested in your sales pitch!!!

No Pain No Gain

Sometimes it just sucks being a woman. Especially a mom. Not that having kids isn't great an all, it's the process of having them. Getting pregnant and the whole deal with that, then there's labor and the whole pain process. Sure, there's epidural but do you know how much that costs?!! Plus, I've had it before (with Dania) and it didn't work. The epi doc took forever to poke the needle into my spinal cord and by the time he had done it, I was already 10 cm open. Bleh!! Then of course, there's confinement. Some of you might think, confinement, lying around for 40 days, NICE!! No, not all that nice. For one thing, there's the massage to bring up your womb (direct translation ni, ahaks!!). Damn painful lah!!

I started my massage treatment yesterday. I had been calling around trying to get someone to come to the house to give the massage treatment. Unfortunately I live in Timbuktu because my house was either a) too far b) in an unknown remote area. Haiya!! So finally hubby checked out the shops near our area and found a Spa that gave massages. The price was rather high but what to do, I was already feeling not so good.

The aunty that gave the massage told me to call her Mama. Hahah, oklah, whatever. Apparently she lives quite close to my house. She just opened the spa 2 months ago. We talked all the way through my massage. Actually, she did most of the talking. I was mostly going like "Oww, oww, sakit, sakit, panas, panas, ooo, ooo, ouch, adeh, adeh." I was such a sissy (hang head in shame).

But I felt so much better after my massage. As Mama told me, I finally felt all that dirty blood (darah kotor) leave my body. I felt lighter too. And I had no more headaches.

Today I have my second massage session. I'm anticipating more pain (groan) but like they say, no pain no gain.

Edited: Holy Cow!! I feel like someone took an iron rod and beat up all my sensor points. Even my fingertips are burning. I can't believe I'm paying someone for this turtore. But I must admit, I'll feel much better tonight and overall this is for future's sake. God, do men have it easy.

An Act of Violance - How Safe Are Our Kids?

I'm sure we've all now heard about the fatal shooting in Virginia Tech, USA, that left 33 dead, including the killer himself.


I had chills when I saw the news and later read the online reports. How could someone wake up in the morning and decide to go on a shooting spree? How can someone get so depressed and so angry at the world that he would buy guns and shoot at innocent strangers?

Looks can be deceiving....The VTech killer. Looks like someone you might know?

It all feels so...out of place. So helpless, so unnecessary. To think of all the lives that were lost and all the lives of those left behind...shattered, in grief.

I remember the Columbine shootings. I remember thinking, how can these two teenage boys become such angry individuals that they wanted to shoot at their fellow classmates? Where were the parents? How come they couldn't see what was going on with their kids?


I then thought of the parents of the killed kids. How they must have felt, to lose their child like that. Penat2 jaga anak, tiba2 ada orang gila tembak mati. I can't imagine how I would feel if that ever happened to my kids. I don't want to imagine.


You think things like this would only happen in countries where guns are easily accessible. Sad to say, Malaysia is also becoming an unsafe country for kids. Not that we have guns to worry about (yet!!), but reports of kids getting kidnapped, raped, killed are plenty nowadays. Most recently we had the disappearance of that boy Yin, who was missing for 15 days before a Myanmar couple turned him in. Head bald, hungry, the boy looked like he had been through hell for the 2 weeks he had been gone.

My greatest fear is losing my kids. When we go shopping, I never let the kids out of my sight. I scream and yell at them to stay close by, tak kisah le orang lain nak pandang macam orang giller ke tidak. Dania is pretty good at taking instructions but Dina just loves running off by herself. She'll only stay in her pram when she wants milk or is too tired to run around anymore.

Thing is, we as parents can only do so much for our kids. We take every precaution when they're growing up, give them the best food, the best education money can buy, the best clothes, the best of everything. We teach them to be kind, honest, caring; overall a good person. We want our kids to be better than us, to have a better life.

As much as we want to keep our kids constantly close with us, there are times where we must let go. We send our kids to school and for hours, they are out of our sight. We learn to trust other people with our kids. We hope we can depend on that trust.

This is getting to be an emotional post but I'm in an emotional state. Sigh, excuse me while I go hug my kids.

Project 2007 - re-evaluation

2007 was supposed to be the year of the baby. Since plans have now changed, I've gone into my Project Mode, figuring out what 2007's accomplishment be. A few things pop into my head;

a) New car
b) Family getaway
c) Pay off apartment or housing loan

Hubby and I have been discussing about getting a new car since...forever. My Proton Wira is nearly 7 years old and while it's been a very good car (for a Proton), it's showing its wear and tear quite a bit. We had trouble with the aircon last week during the whole hospital incident. Poor hubby had to rush from work to the hospital to the workshop back to the hospital in pouring rain. After several diagnosis and 2 days in the workshop, at last the workshop guys just changed the fius. Blah...the aircon is working now but it's been little incidents like this that have prompted hubby to think about seriously getting a new car.

Initially, we both had our eyes on getting a new MPV. But seeing how we may not be needing an MPV just yet (at least for a couple of years), we decided a new sedan would be just fine. I was ok to go for the new Honda Civic (either 1.6 or 1.8) but hubby just hates the look of the car. He prefers the look of the Accord better but we both agreed the Accord was just too big and too expensive for us to pay off and maintain. We even thought of getting a MyVi, seeing how it would be economical to use to go to work. Hubby is in his KL office nearly every weekday and petrol is really a factor.

Yesterday we discussed about getting a new car and hubby mentioned the Toyota Wish. He's been in love with this car since it first came out. I agree, compared to other mid-sized MPVs, it does look sportier and cooler. I just have a thing with mid-sized MPVs; the back row is too small for adults but if you take it away, the back then just seems like a waste of space for just luggage. Price is another factor; the Wish brand new costs around RM160K++, recon goes for around RM120++ (depending on the make year). To me, that's a lot of money for a mid-sized MPV. If going by the price factor, I would rather get an Innova, which is bigger and cheaper. But hubby says the Innova looks like a "pasar malam" (night market) mini van and doesn't look cool at all. Huh.

So we're in a dilemma. We both want a car/MPV that's spacious and affordable, meaning doesn't guzzle up gas and doesn't cost hundreds to service and maintain. Anyone with suggestions?

The family getaway has also prompted some interesting discussions. I want to go somewhere far, like Melbourne or Sydney. We had already done Brisbane and Gold Coast when Dania was 2 so maybe not again in the near future. Hubby doesn't want to waste thousand of RM on air tickets and suggested Cameron Highlands instead. Hah!! So basically, it's down to cost and things to do during the family trip. I just feel that after 2 months of being sick and trapped between home, the hospital and my parents place, I just want to break free and go far, far away...even if only for a week or so. But again, it's not like we have so much spare change in our wallets. So, family getaway until further discussion.

Paying off our housing loan to the bank is also a desirable Project 2007. Desirable because the bloody interest rates keep going higher and higher. We have enough to pay off only one housing loan; either the Bangi house or the KJ apartment. It's a lot of money but I foresee would relieve much headache than looking at the monthly bank loan statements.

So, what's our project 2007? Not sure yet. It might be one of the three above-mentioned or none at all.

Sigh...Amazing Race rerun is on. Till later.

ps: Healing process still ongoing. Not doing the "What If" game. Concentrating on thinking ahead. Thanks again to all who prayed for us.

Grief Part 4 - The Aftermath

It's been nearly a week. Emotions are still raw but healing. The kids have been great, Dania especially. She inquired about the baby and showed such maturity when I told her what had happened.

"Ibu, is the baby out?"
"Yes."
"Where is it?"
"Well, the baby wasn't well and the doctor had to take it away."

*silence...face showing deep thinking...

"It's ok, ibu. I'll take care of you. You get better now. I buy you medicine, ok?"

I don't know if she really understands what happened but she sure has helped hubby and me heal.

Someone sent me a link to a website the other day. It had the story of this boy named Riley, who was diagnosed with Alobar Holoprosencephaly and beat the odds to live for 12 months. This person asked me, if I had the chance to go back in time, would I have made the same choice?

Ahh...the "What If" game..

What IF I didn't have severe HG at the time?
What IF I didn't have two small children to think of?
What IF I didn't have a full-time job to think of?
What IF I didn't have the support and advice from my doctors, family members, the Mufti?

I can't compare what I went through with what Riley's mom did. If I did, I would probably start having doubts and that would only make me feel sad again.

So what IF, I had been able to carry the baby to term? What IF the baby had miraculously lived for an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year? Would I have felt much less grief as I do now?

I know, what we decided was the best for us based on the conditions we were in at that time. Sometimes I find myself thinking, maybe if I was stronger....but hubby has told me to throw away all thoughts like that. It's not healthy.

I know, we'll be blessed with more children in the future, insya'allah. Maybe not this year, maybe not even the next. Only time will tell. In the meantime, it will be just the 4 of us...with our little one looking down on us and smiling from heaven.

Grief Part 3 - Our Decision

This has been an emotional week for all of us. The past weekend was spent in silence, both of us maybe still not mentally prepared to speak out loud of what was happening, thinking maybe it was all a very bad dream and would just go away. When Monday came, we decided to take action and get some advice from the Mufti Selangor on our condition. We had received several contradicting advice regarding the hukum of aborting the baby and just wanted to be certain that what the doctor advised would be the best thing to do.

Fortunately, the Mufti agreed, that in our case, the hukum was "harus", seeing our the baby was categorised as "extremely disabled". So finally we decided to check in the hospital on Tuesday.

Tuesday. Hubby's birthday. What a way to celebrate. When I told this to my gynea she said, "Don't look at it as losing something, look at this as getting back your health, being able to be normal again. I'm sure that's what your husband would really want."

Ibu took me to the hospital that Tuesday morning but they were out of rooms so I was told to come back in the evening. They called around 4pm so Ayah took me back, together with hubby. After getting admitted, the nurse told me to eat dinner first as I had to fast once they started the procedure. Around 7.330pm, the nurse came with the medication to help me dilate. The contractions came almost immediately, subtle at first but getting stronger by the hour. I couldn't sleep because of the pain. By 1.30am, the pain was so unbearable, I asked the nurse for something to help me sleep. Soon as she went out of the room, I turned sideways to try and get some relief and suddenly felt a gush of water flow from between my thighs. I called out to the nurse, "Something has happened. Something has happened!"

The nurse came and told me the baby had come out. I started crying. I called home and told hubby that the baby was out and I was in pain and I wished he was here with me. The nurse checked me and told me to start pushing as the placenta was still inside. But I was already so tired and the contractions were coming back that I couldn't concentrate. Finally my gynea was called in to come assist in getting the placenta out. It was a painful procedure but I felt so much better afterwards. I felt so sleepy after not been able to sleep the entire night. Hubby watched over me as I slept the best sleep I've had in weeks.

Later that morning, my gynea checked me again and told us that there was still a bit of placenta stuck in my womb. Fortunately she suggested to go to the OT to get it out. I was on the operating table for about 2 hours as they did the DNC.

So it has been done. Physically, I'm doing much better. My appetite has returned with a vengeance. I washed my hair for the first time in 5 weeks. I feel a bit sore but overall this is the best I've felt in 7 weeks.

Emotionally, I'm still recovering. The experience of losing a child has given me a new outlook on life, not to take anything for granted. It's made me appreciate hubby and the kids more. It's made me look at myself as a stronger person.

Our baby was buried in Taman Selasih, near Batu Caves. Hubby has promised to take me to the site once I'm all better.

I thank all my friends and family members who came by to visit, called and sms'ed me to ask how I was doing. Your kind words and thoughts made me feel so much better and certainly helped me through this difficult time. May Allah bless you all.

Grief - Part 2

Thank you all who stopped by to wish me well. Your kind words and thought mean so much in this difficult time.

We had the session with our gynea today. We confirmed yesterday's diagnosis; basically, technically the baby, eventhough now alive and kicking, is only doing so because its heart is pumping. The brain is dead. Even if I were to bring it to term, it would only be able to survive a few hours, seeing how the brain is so deformed that even breathing by its own is not possible.

My gynea advised me to terminate the pregnancy now, before the baby got any bigger. Hubby has accepted the situation and has advised me the same.

I know that there can be no miracle for my baby. I know this was not meant to be. But somehow I just can't let go. Yet.

My gynea said, there's no use going through HG and labor pains, only to give birth to a stillborn baby. She said it would only be more devastating to us.

I asked her, if this were her baby, would she terminate? Her answer was yes. She said, as a Muslim, eventhough it is wrong to abort babies, in this case the baby is still below 120 days old therefore has no soul yet. She would never recommend terminating if there was even a 1% chance of a miracle happening. My baby is not going to live, no matter what.

I have accepted this fate. I know what I need to do, what I should do. It's not going to be easy. I can't stop thinking about it.

Monday. I'll go back to the hospital on Monday.

Grief

Today, hubby and I received the most devastating news.

I had my follow-up checkup today. Glad to announce my HG is not as severe as before. I still vomit once a while but not that often. I still feel nauseous all the time. But I felt better than I had in weeks.

I had to wait awhile to see the doctor. I felt a little woozy, wasn't used to be up so early. Usually I just lay in bed until noon.

Finally it was my turn. Did the usual chit chat, then the doctor did the scan.

I had a feeling something was wrong when the doc didn't say anything for 3 full minutes. She kept looking at the screen, trying to see something. Finally she invited me to go to another room, where a better sonogram was kept. After another 2 minutes, she finally let me know.

"Azlina, I have to tell you this. I see some abnormality with the baby. I need to refer you to another doctor in TTDI to confirm but I'm pretty sure your baby has some chromosome abnormality."

It took me a few minutes for the message to sink in. Abnormality? Chromosome? Immediately I thought Down Syndrome.

I started to cry.

I called up hubby and told him the news. He told me to wait for him as he wanted to take me to the clinic to see the specialist too.

We had to wait for an hour before we could see the doctor. But when he saw us, immediately he told me to lie down for a scan.

His sonogram was one of the most sophisticated ones I had ever seen. It was in color and the baby looked so big and real. And alive. The doctor took a few pictures then told us to have a seat.

He didn't beat around the bush. Alobar Holoprosencephaly. That's what our baby had. Basically the baby's brain had not formed properly.

**Alobar holoprosencephaly, in which a tiny, single-lobed, nonfunctional forebrain brain develops, along with other severe cerebral abnormalities and severe facial deformities including cyclopism, or formation of a single, nonfunctional eye where the bridge of the nose should be.

He told us that most probably our baby would either die in the womb or die right after birth. Chances of survival was basically nil. There was no treatment.

I cried so hard, my stomach hurt. Hubby was silent, trying to absorb everything rationally. The doctor said he was sorry he had to deliver such bad news but the good thing was that we detected the abnormality early in the pregnancy. Now we could concentrate in preparing ourselves for what was to come.

Even now, I still want to believe in a miracle. But I see the baby pictures and read the online internet articles and I know there's nothing I can do. I've cried as much as I can. Being nearly 13 weeks pregnant, I can already feel the baby kicking. I just feel that after going through HG, I deserve a healthy baby. I made my bargain with God; I would go through another month of HG if only my baby could be born healthy.

Tomorrow we have another appointment with my gynea to figure out our next step. Please pray for us through this difficult time.