Grief Part 3 - Our Decision

This has been an emotional week for all of us. The past weekend was spent in silence, both of us maybe still not mentally prepared to speak out loud of what was happening, thinking maybe it was all a very bad dream and would just go away. When Monday came, we decided to take action and get some advice from the Mufti Selangor on our condition. We had received several contradicting advice regarding the hukum of aborting the baby and just wanted to be certain that what the doctor advised would be the best thing to do.

Fortunately, the Mufti agreed, that in our case, the hukum was "harus", seeing our the baby was categorised as "extremely disabled". So finally we decided to check in the hospital on Tuesday.

Tuesday. Hubby's birthday. What a way to celebrate. When I told this to my gynea she said, "Don't look at it as losing something, look at this as getting back your health, being able to be normal again. I'm sure that's what your husband would really want."

Ibu took me to the hospital that Tuesday morning but they were out of rooms so I was told to come back in the evening. They called around 4pm so Ayah took me back, together with hubby. After getting admitted, the nurse told me to eat dinner first as I had to fast once they started the procedure. Around 7.330pm, the nurse came with the medication to help me dilate. The contractions came almost immediately, subtle at first but getting stronger by the hour. I couldn't sleep because of the pain. By 1.30am, the pain was so unbearable, I asked the nurse for something to help me sleep. Soon as she went out of the room, I turned sideways to try and get some relief and suddenly felt a gush of water flow from between my thighs. I called out to the nurse, "Something has happened. Something has happened!"

The nurse came and told me the baby had come out. I started crying. I called home and told hubby that the baby was out and I was in pain and I wished he was here with me. The nurse checked me and told me to start pushing as the placenta was still inside. But I was already so tired and the contractions were coming back that I couldn't concentrate. Finally my gynea was called in to come assist in getting the placenta out. It was a painful procedure but I felt so much better afterwards. I felt so sleepy after not been able to sleep the entire night. Hubby watched over me as I slept the best sleep I've had in weeks.

Later that morning, my gynea checked me again and told us that there was still a bit of placenta stuck in my womb. Fortunately she suggested to go to the OT to get it out. I was on the operating table for about 2 hours as they did the DNC.

So it has been done. Physically, I'm doing much better. My appetite has returned with a vengeance. I washed my hair for the first time in 5 weeks. I feel a bit sore but overall this is the best I've felt in 7 weeks.

Emotionally, I'm still recovering. The experience of losing a child has given me a new outlook on life, not to take anything for granted. It's made me appreciate hubby and the kids more. It's made me look at myself as a stronger person.

Our baby was buried in Taman Selasih, near Batu Caves. Hubby has promised to take me to the site once I'm all better.

I thank all my friends and family members who came by to visit, called and sms'ed me to ask how I was doing. Your kind words and thoughts made me feel so much better and certainly helped me through this difficult time. May Allah bless you all.