Monday, April 16, 2007

Grief Part 4 - The Aftermath

It's been nearly a week. Emotions are still raw but healing. The kids have been great, Dania especially. She inquired about the baby and showed such maturity when I told her what had happened.

"Ibu, is the baby out?"
"Where is it?"
"Well, the baby wasn't well and the doctor had to take it away."

*silence...face showing deep thinking...

"It's ok, ibu. I'll take care of you. You get better now. I buy you medicine, ok?"

I don't know if she really understands what happened but she sure has helped hubby and me heal.

Someone sent me a link to a website the other day. It had the story of this boy named Riley, who was diagnosed with Alobar Holoprosencephaly and beat the odds to live for 12 months. This person asked me, if I had the chance to go back in time, would I have made the same choice?

Ahh...the "What If" game..

What IF I didn't have severe HG at the time?
What IF I didn't have two small children to think of?
What IF I didn't have a full-time job to think of?
What IF I didn't have the support and advice from my doctors, family members, the Mufti?

I can't compare what I went through with what Riley's mom did. If I did, I would probably start having doubts and that would only make me feel sad again.

So what IF, I had been able to carry the baby to term? What IF the baby had miraculously lived for an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year? Would I have felt much less grief as I do now?

I know, what we decided was the best for us based on the conditions we were in at that time. Sometimes I find myself thinking, maybe if I was stronger....but hubby has told me to throw away all thoughts like that. It's not healthy.

I know, we'll be blessed with more children in the future, insya'allah. Maybe not this year, maybe not even the next. Only time will tell. In the meantime, it will be just the 4 of us...with our little one looking down on us and smiling from heaven.


cysev3n said...

hi along..
dah lama kita tak bloghopping.. tup2 ada sad news.. sabar ye along.. kita ni nak cakap banyak2 pun tak reti.. sad things always make me speechless..

Anonymous said...

don't play the WHAT IF'll make ur mind question the takdir...hope u'll heal. hope u'll get through the pain of losing.

sitynuress said...

Hi along, glad u are feeling all better now, physically and mentally :)... tak yah la play the "what if" game.. it will drive u nuts!! dun worry bout the baby no more.. she is in god's hand where love and care is 100% sure of. :) take good care of ur self ye.. insya allah ada rezeki lagi nanti :)
take care!!!


stop it along! don't think of the WHAT IF's. it's qada' and qadar and you have to accept it. my dad told me that thinking of the WHAT IF's are all devil's way of playing and toying you. thinking and dwelling about it will only make you question your actions again and again which is seriously unhealthy (i agree 110% with ayam on this).

for now, it's okay to grieve. grieve all you want. cry even! lepas tu forget about it and come back with a bang.

your main priority now is to regain your health and concentrate on your family. they need you more than ever. i know it's a terrible ordeal for you and hubby but you'll get through this.

take care! if you need to talk or lash out, you know where to find me.. just give me a call ya.