My Friend's Loss

Last night I hardly got any sleep. Daria refused to sleep and insisted on playing instead. Remember she only went to bed at 10.30pm last night? She woke up at 1.30am, then again at 3.30am and then again at 6am. Then she totally refused to sleep again. OMG...I had already started to forget what it was like to wake up every 2 hours. The thing is, it wasn't because she was hungry or wet. She just wanted to play.

I hope there will not be any repeat of last night tonight. I could hardly function at work today. It's bad enough I have a tender report to finish up ASAP. Grrr...

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Today I visited a friend. Her stepson passed away this morning. He had died due to a brain tumor. He was 6 years old.

Now this friend of mine, we used to be close. Then life happened and we drifted apart. We meet once in awhile on occasions; she came to see me when I delivered Dania, I visited her when she had her 3rd son. Visits were few and far apart, despite her living in Shah Alam, just a stone throw away from my parents house.

She married a Singaporean Pakistani and became his 3rd wife. While he was still married to the first two. OK, before any of you judge..let me tell you this: it works for her. Somehow, the whole polygamy thing...sharing a husband, staying in the same house with all the other wives...yeah, it's mind boggling and even I'm still trying to come with terms with it all, even after all this time. But this post isn't about that and is not meant to undermine her life, so let's move on.

Her late stepson is about the same age as her eldest boy, so naturally she was the one who breastfed the boy too. Kira jadi ibu susuan la member aku tu. See, harmony...but then again, moving on. Apparently the boy was having trouble concentrating in school and had slight hand tremors. The family took him for a check up and it was then they got the news that he had a big tumor at the base of his spine (behind the neck). It was untreatable since there were too many blood veins involved. This was in March. The boy went for radiation therapy and for a moment, the tumor shrunk to half its size. Then in July it became aggressive. A few weeks after that, the boy lost feeling in his left side. During his last days, he was unresponsive and had medication pumped in 24 hours to prevent him from having fits and choking on his own saliva.

He passed away around 730am today. Innalillahiwatainnahirajiun..

I almost didn't go and see my friend because of the insane workload I had but I'm glad my other friends insisted in dragging me there. For one thing I got to see my friend after so long. And also, I got a reminder about how fragile life is and how we should always cherish the ones we love.

To Y, be strong. I hope we'll meet again soon. Love you.

Down That Road Again

So now I am on medical leave for a week. It had to be done with. After much hope and much prayers, the doctor concluded that the baby had no heartbeat and our only option was to do (another!!) D&C.

What? And I jumping ahead here? I didn't tell you guys I was pregnant in the first place?

*sigh*

Well, I was. 8 weeks to be exact. Things were going smoothly, or so I thought. My MS had reared its ugly head around week 7 so I though, hey, everything is in order. Just 30 or so more weeks of projectile vomiting and we'll have that addition to the family.

As the saying goes, if you wanna make God laugh, start making plans.

Luckily I didn't announce the news to a lot of people; just a handful at the office. My mom. My MIL. The girls. My business partner, Ida. Saves me the task of having to go through the story again and again.

How am I feeling? Physically I'm doing ok. Just a little bit of bleeding and some soreness. Nothing some painkillers can't take care of.

Emotionally? I'm sad. Sad to the point I feel numb. Numb to the point I can't believe this happened to us again (and again). For the 3rd time. In a row!!

Part of me is saying, "it's ok, we'll try again, takde rezeki" and all that shit. Another part of me is screaming, "WTF!!!! Again?!! Fine!! That's it, I'm throwing in the towel. No more trying. It's just too tiring. Physically, emotionally, spiritually..."

The kids are disappointed. Hubby is beyond grief. Despite the side effects of the anesthetic, I find myself unable to sleep.

Why? Why?

I got myself a new gynae, not because I was unhappy with my old one but because this new hospital was just 10 minutes from our home. She's nice and was very sympathetic with our case. We decided to do some chromosome and DNA tests with the baby and also with my blood, which they took pints of. We expect to get some results within a month.

Until then, it's business as usual. I guess we won't be getting that MPV this year either. Heh..

Reliving Our Loss

When I first read this article, I nearly bawled my eyes out. Never mind that it was lunch time at work and there were people all around me. Not only was I feeling the pain of the mothers and fathers of these beloved children, I was also reliving my own experiences.

Snippets from the article:

“It’s the worst news that anyone could get — that your child is going to die. These horrible feelings aren’t going to go away with a termination."
The loss of a child is something you never get over with, regardless of whether the child ever got born or not. For me, losing two in one year was ultimately devastating; there are times where I watch the girls playing together and the sight makes me silently grief for my unborn children.

Many have family and friends who are mystified as to why a couple would continue a pregnancy knowing their child will die. Loved ones often fear that by continuing on, the parents are simply delaying their grief or torturing themselves. What will they say to strangers who casually ask if the nursery is ready? And what if bringing the baby into this world causes the child suffering?
After hubby and I found out the condition of our third child, we initially wanted to continue the pregnancy. Correction, I wanted to continue the pregnancy, despite my HG. But then I got to thinking, what would I do if I went back to work and people started asking me when the baby was due? What would I say to those who asked whether or not I knew the baby's sex? How would I react if people asked me if I was excited to have another baby? I started thinking about all those situations and it made me so sad. Plus, our doctor also said, that if our baby would live to full term, as soon our baby was born, he/she would have to be placed in an incubator and be hooked up to all these machines to keep it alive. What quality of life would my baby have? Could I be that selfish to put our baby through that, just so I can hold our baby, look at our baby and breathe in our baby's intoxicating baby smell. Part of me was but a larger part of me accepted fate and decided to let go early. But still, part of me wonders...

Other families may have religious reasons that guide their choice. Sometimes parents may hold out a hope that somehow the terminal diagnosis was wrong. And others just don’t want to be the one who decides when their baby dies.
Hubby and I consulted the Mufti to confirm what we were doing was the best thing for us. We consulted the best doctors to ensure us that the diagnosis was correct, and that there wasn't even 1% chance of our baby surviving. Even after all that, the decision to let go was not easy. After having felt the baby kick inside of me for a few weeks, the decision just tore me inside.

Some have wondered why she’d put herself through a pregnancy and birth when she knew she’d go home with empty arms. “It isn’t all for nothing,” she says. “You can still love that baby, protect that baby and give that baby a peaceful goodbye. That’s not nothing.”
If I wasn't suffering from severe HG at the time, there would be a greater chance I would have just continued with my pregnancy. Call it blind faith, call it Mother's Intuition, I just feel that those few hours, days, weeks, with our baby would have been the most precious our family would ever have together.

Sigh....

I just realised something; Thursday is hubby's birthday. It's also the anniversary of the loss of our baby.

Hi there Baby. Ibu still misses you and thinks of you always. We all love you and hope to be with you in Heaven when our time comes.