Another Loss

So how has your raya been so far? For me, it's been a time of gaining and a time of lost.

What did I gain? I gained a few pounds, that's for sure. Days of eating ketupat, rendang, lontong and the usual raya entries have wreck havoc on my so-called diet. But who cares, it's raya!! I've also gained back a few relatives, both old and new. Congratulations to my cousin, Aisyah and her hubby, Faizal on the birth of their 1st baby girl, just 2 days before raya. May you both experience the joy of parenthood and good luck with getting any sleep the next 6 months!!

I've gained memories, pictures, experiences....so much during this raya season.

And I've also lost a baby.

*Sigh*

Yes, I wanted to announce some good news before raya but decided against it as it was still too early. Even in the office, only a handful of people knew about my pregnancy. In my family, I only told my hubby, the children, my mom and my sister-in-law.

I guess some part of me knew something was going to go wrong.

Here's what happened; I suffered a miscarriage on the 4th day of raya. I was nearly 9 weeks pregnant at the time.

It happened so suddenly and without warning. I woke up at 3am to go to the toilet and it just...came out.

The sack.

My baby.

I think I screamed. Or maybe I just groaned. But I know I cried. I remember feeling hot tears running down my face.

I woke up hubby and told him what had happened. He told me to go back to sleep and took care of the mess I had made in the toilet. I fell asleep in his arms, crying.

I woke up again at 6.30am and found that I had started to bleed out. Hubby took me to the hospital for a check-up. As we were at my uncle's house at Chaah, the nearest private hospital was the Pantai Medical Center in Batu Pahat. It was the longest one-hour ride I had ever taken.

After waiting for the doctor for nearly 2 hours, it was confirmed that my miscarriage was incomplete and I had to undergo a D&C to clean out my womb. Surprisingly I was calm before and after the procedure. The heaviness in my heart had made me numb from feeling anything.

I had wanted this pregnancy to be ok so much. When I started bleeding (more like spotting) 3 weeks before, I took precautions but because I hadn't started to feel any morning sickness, it was hard to limit my activities. I wasn't bleeding that much, and I experienced no stomach aches or things like that. When I went for a check-up just 2 days before raya, everything seemed ok. The baby was doing fine, its heartbeat was strong.

So what went wrong?

I could name so many factors leading to my miscarriage; stress, fasting, long travelling periods in the car, the bleeding. I think the fact that I wasn't having any morning sickness was also a sign on its own that something was wrong as I had severe MS during all 3 of my previous pregnancies. It hurts to think that this could have been prevented if I had taken more precautions.

Losing 2 babies in a year is really hard on my emotions. I feel like crying but I know that crying won't bring my unborn children back. Reliving the situation in my head also just gets me depressed.

I so wanted to be pregnant. I was so pleasantly surprised when the pregnancy result came back positive.

We're going to try again. Soon, I hope. And maybe this time, everything will work out. Kita hanya boleh merancang, Allah saja yang menentukan.

Ya Allah. Berikanlah aku kesabaran dan ketenteraman jiwa untuk menghadapi dugaan ini. Sesungguhnya segala rezeki itu datang dariMu, kepada Kau saja aku memohon, kepada kau aku berserah. Amin.