Friday, March 30, 2007

12 Weeks and Counting...

Just came back from yet another hospital stay, this time for 4 days. I checked in on Monday, after vomiting 2 times before 9am. Once was in the doctor's waiting hall, well, luckily I made it in time to the toilet before I barfed everything out.

I had an IV again but this time my hand swelled up and the needle was rather painful. They finally had to take it out on the 3rd day, even though I was still not able to take much fluids orally. I had to mentally challenge myself to drink small sips of juice every 30 minutes, just so I could tell the nurse I had drank something. They calculated everything; how many sips of juice I took, how many spoons of porridge I ate, how much urine I dispelled. I could tell they were still unhappy with my progress but at least during my hospital stay, I didn't vomit once even though I felt nauseous constantly. I spent most of the time lying in bed, trying not to think about vomiting or my swelled up hand.

My doctor gave me another week of MC, making it 5 weeks since I've been to the office. Like anyone cares anyway. I feel so alone. Luckily I have that HG website that I check every time on those rare occasions I can stand sitting in front of the PC.

Hubby and I were suppose to go for our Bandung trip this Sunday. That is so not going to happen. I feel bad for hubby, he had it all planned out. Maybe next time.

12 weeks and counting. God, when will this end?!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The Guilt Dream I Always Have When I'm Pregnant

I had that dream again. Not exactly the same dream as last time but the context was the same. I have the dream everytime I'm pregnant, usually when I'm suffering through my bouts of HG.

The first time, when I was pregnant with Dania, it was to his ex-girlfriend. The second time around, when I was pregnant with Dina, it was to a Delta Air stewardess. This time, it was to his own cousin.

Some of you may know what dream I'm talking about. I'm talking about the vivid dreams I always have about hubby marrying another.

The first time I had the dream, I wasn't too upset because in the back of my head, I knew it was just a dream. The second time was a bit more upsetting coz the dialog that went between hubby and I were so real. His don't-care attitude when he told me about his girlfriend stewardess was soooo typical. I remember waking up in tears. After I told him the dream, hubby just laughed and told me that there aren't any Delta Air stewardess stationed in Malaysia. Not really the kind of reassurance I was looking for.

This time around, I dreamt of the actual wedding taking place. Well, not the wedding but actually the engagement ceremony. I remember being so confused and upset because my mom was there and she was actually helping with the preparations. When I asked her what she was doing, she just looked at me and said, " I thought you guys had already discussed this." I tried to get someone to explain to me what was going on. When I found out that hubby was about to marry his cousin (who in real life is already married, by the way), I freaked!!! I kept running around looking for him, trying to get him to explain to me why he would want to marry someone else and why hadn't he told me about this before.

I remember waking up very confused and very upset. Hubby had already gone to work at that time so I couldn't drill him for answers. I kept replaying the dream in my head over and over again. I cried then got up to dry heave in the toilet.

I don't know why I have these dreams. I have a theory though; I think it's guilt. For the past 6 weeks, I haven't been able to function much as a wife. I know hubby has been quite patient with me on this and I know he just wishes I get better soon. I really do want to get better. I want to be able to function again. That's my only wish for now.

Anyone else had these types of dreams before? What do you think, it is guilt?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

I am and will be HG survivor

HG - Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I finally have a name to put on my suffering.

During my frantic search for causes and cures for severe nausea, I found this website. This wonderful website, that explained and put everything I was going through into perspective.

As I read through the website's forum, I found stories of other HG sufferers and survivors. One post in particular really stuck to me, coz it explained exactly what I'm going through right now. I emailed the author of the post, to ask permission to pluck some quotes from her post to put on my blog. Thank you Lisa from New York, for your kind reply and encouraging words.

The clauses in bold and italics are what Lisa wrote; my comments are below hers.

Imagine waking up from the worst hangover ever. The kind where you make a deal with God never to drink again because you feel so bad. Now imagine waking up and feeling that way 24/7 for your ENTIRE pregnancy.

Being a Muslim, I will never know what it feels like to have a hangover but being a HG sufferer, I guess what she described is pretty much on the dot. The part where you make deals with God, just for some relief; doing it now. I promise to be a better person, a better mom, to make more donations to charities, bla, bla, bla...ANYTHING, if I could just feel normal again.

I knew I was pregnant with my son at about 5 weeks. I was hospitalized the first time for IV when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was in and out of the hospital for IV during weeks 9 - 12 of my pregnancy. I spent 12 days in the hospital for week 13. I took every drug to try to help with the nausea. I took Zofran, reglan, compazine. Nothing helped. I lost 22 lbs the first 3 months.

I pretty much knew I was pregnant a day after hubby and I "did the works". Haha. Like I said, I tried to keep it a secret for as long as possible and it looked like it was going to work the first 6 weeks. Now, my record has been one hospital stay so far and an entire month of MC. Life as I know it has halted and now all I can think of every minute of every day is "please don't throw up, please don't throw up." So far I've lost 5 kilos. I'm taking Primperan and vitamin B6 but they don't seem to be doing much good. With the lack of fluids, I have a feeling I may need to go for another IV drip soon. God help me.

I was in the pit of depression. I had thoughts of suicide. I'm embarrassed to say there were times when I hoped I would have a miscarrage. This 2nd baby was planned and I wanted to have another child, but I could not take the nausea. The vomiting. My sense of smell was heightened. I was able to smell everything.

Depressed? Extremely. Suicidal? Alhamdullilah, not to that extreme. However, and I'm deeply ashamed to admit this, I too have had thoughts (hopes?) of a miscarriage, just to get some relief. I know if hubby reads this, he may get alarmed. As a Muslim, I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts but sometimes the nausea gets so bad, all I can do is cry. Like Lisa, the baby I'm carrying was planned. I took vitamins and folic acid 3 months before the pregnancy, thinking if I built up my immune system strong enough, I would be able to handle a little bit of vomiting. I so wanted this pregnancy to be different. Now all I can think about is, "What the hell did I get myself into again?"

I was so jealous when I would go to my doctors and see other pregnant women glowing. They looked so happy. They were actually ENJOYING being pregnant. I would hear them talk about their cravings. I would think to myself, "The only thing I am craving is not throwing up every time I put something in my mouth"

Tell me about it. Most of my office mates are women and nearly all of them are married and either have or are currently pregnant. Not one of them had much trouble during their pregnancy. My cubicle mate was up and running right until she had to go off for her maternity leave. All they complained about was how much weight they gained during pregnancy. Sometimes, I felt like I wanted to kick them.

People who don't experience HG, can never understand what it is like. It breaks your spirit.

Prior to finding this website, hubby was one of these people. He kept telling to eat and not think about throwing up. A lot of people I know think that morning sickness and HG are just "in my head" and will go away if I put my mind to it. Believe me, no one, NO ONE wants to feel like this. The attention you get (if you get any at all) is not worth it. There are days when I do try to psych myself up and tell myself "I am feeling fine today" only to have a dry heave in the toilet 10 minutes later. HG makes you feel hopeless, helpless.

I guess what I am trying to say with this rambling post is if you are currently suffering with HG, and you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel....remember....there are others that were in the same position. Please know that HG is not "in your head", it is very real.

This is the part where I broke down and cried; "it is not in your head." I guess I just wanted someone to acknowledge what I was going through, instead of just calling it "a phase" or "a minor mishap". It is very real. Too real. And I want it to be over...NOW.

Friday, March 16, 2007

10 Weeks and Counting..

See my new ticker? Yeah, I added it in so I can be constantly reminded how long I need to suffer through this pregnancy. Look at the digits showing the number of days I have left; I would give my left foot to have that be a single digit.

I had my follow up exam today. O yeah, did you know? Last week I finally had to be admitted into the hospital due to severe vomiting and dehydration. I hate staying at hospitals, but getting the drip did help a bit. Even helped me do my toilet business (after a week!!), if you know what I mean. I was admitted for 2 days and eventhough the doctor wanted me to stay for a few more days, I decided 2 days away from the kids was enough. Boy, was I wrong.

I should have asked the doctor if there was any way I could bring the IV drip home. Hahaha...but seriously, getting enough fluids is not an easy feat, not when everything tastes like metal and every sip make you want to puke it all right back up. I finally decided to get my daily intake of water from fruits; watermelons, apples, plums and such. It’s not enough, but at least it’s something.

Back to today’s follow-up exam, diagnosis: Not Good!! So far, 10 weeks into the pregnancy and I’ve lost 5 kilos already. The pills the doctor gave were ok for handling food, so long as I ate in moderation and Matrics slow motion. However, like I mentioned before, the pills didn’t help with other gag-inducing activities, such as brushing my teeth and sneezing. So far, sneezing has caused me to vomit 3 times, brushing my teeth – eveytime!! So now, I only brush my teeth once every 3 days. Yuck, I know. But it reduces my vomiting record considerably. So long as no one wants me to give any butterfly kisses, everything should be fine.

I’ve missed so much work. To add to my dilemma, my doctor gave me another 2 weeks MC. If I could drag myself to work, I would. I feel guilty enough as it is. Once I got home from the hospital this morning, I immediately did my handover notes and sent them to my boss, together with a long-winded email, explaining everything. I really hope she understands. It’s not easy trying to explain this constant feeling of sickness to someone who doesn’t experience it; it’s like trying to explain the pain of childbirth to a guy!!

My doctor said the morning sickness should tapper off during the 12th week. Yeah, right. The last time she said it would be over by the 10th week. Anyway, when we did the scan, I saw my little baby inside of me and a sense of awe came over me. Just 29.9mm and already causing such havoc on my body. My doctor said it’s not the baby that’s causing me to vomit; it was my amniotic fluids. Apparently I have more than normal women do. I asked my doctor if there was anything we could do about it, you know, take some of the fluid out a bit and she looked at me and laughed. “Keluarkan air, keluar le baby.” Aiseh, ye ke?

My in-laws came to visit me yesterday. My MIL was sympathetic and totally understanding. I cried when I told her what I was going through. “Banyak berdoa Long, minta jangan meleret muntah2 ni.”

Berdoa. That’s all I can do right now.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I Don't Know If I Can Do This Again

Sorry I haven’t been updating for quite some time. I haven’t been feeling well. In fact, I’ve been feeling like shit. The reason for this is as below.

Yep, folks, I got knocked up!!!

Great, right? Yeah, happy news I guess. I mean hubby and I planned for this but the way I’m feeling right now, a very small (very bad and ungrateful) part of me wishes we hadn’t taken the plunge again.

For those who knew me during my last 2 pregnancies can testify how bad they make me feel. I could make a list of all the things that are not great when I’m pregnant.

To say I have morning sickness is an understatement. First, morning sickness does not just happen in the morning. For me, it’s morning, noon and night, 24/7 unless I’m asleep. Everything makes me gag. Smells, sight, even thoughts of food brings up the bile in my throat. Anything that causes me to open up my mouth makes me gag. This includes brushing my teeth, yawning (yawning!! Can you freaking believe that!!), sneezing and talking. This is bad because my kids love for me to read to them every evening and now, I can hardly get through Page 1 before I need to run to the bathroom to throw up.

I hate throwing up. I hate the way my body won’t let me up and just refuses to let anything I eat stay down. I hate the way my stomach convulses and pushes everything out. Even when there’s nothing left inside, I throw up stomach acid. Does not taste nice coming back up, let me tell you that.

I haven’t been to the toilet in a week now, but that’s no shocker seeing how everything I’ve tried to eat always comes back out before it can be digested anyway.

I’m constantly hungry and thirsty and it’s frustrating because people are always telling me to eat, just eat. Like hubby, I know he means well, but just because I wanted to eat salsa sauce once, doesn’t mean he should have bought 2 big jars of dip and three big bags of Doritos. I told him I felt like eating pizza once and he went and bought 2 large pizzas. I could only swallow one slice (which of course came up 5 minutes later). It’s frustrating and it makes me cry because people might think I’m making this up, I’m just giving in to my body but seriously only people who are going through or have been through what I’m going through right now, can have an opinion on this. It cannot be controlled. Believe me, I do not want to spend ½ my day in the toilet puking up my guts anymore than the next person does.

This is totally affecting my work and my life, in general. To think, I really thought this pregnancy would be different. The first 6 weeks was like heaven; I was eating everything, I exercised, my hormones made me happy. Haha. Then, 7 weeks into the pregnancy, everything took a 180 degree turn. I couldn’t get out off bed, I starting throwing up, I am tired all the time, I can’t eat anything.

Please I’m desperate. I’m looking for that doa, for the hubby to read after solat. You know, the one they say can transfer the morning sickness from the wife to the husband. If anyone knows of that doa, please let me know.

Also, if anyone has any tips on how to handle this constant throwing up, please give me a buzz. Just don’t tell me to eat, coz I really am trying.

I’m trying.