Saturday, March 17, 2007

I am and will be HG survivor

HG - Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I finally have a name to put on my suffering.

During my frantic search for causes and cures for severe nausea, I found this website. This wonderful website, that explained and put everything I was going through into perspective.

As I read through the website's forum, I found stories of other HG sufferers and survivors. One post in particular really stuck to me, coz it explained exactly what I'm going through right now. I emailed the author of the post, to ask permission to pluck some quotes from her post to put on my blog. Thank you Lisa from New York, for your kind reply and encouraging words.

The clauses in bold and italics are what Lisa wrote; my comments are below hers.

Imagine waking up from the worst hangover ever. The kind where you make a deal with God never to drink again because you feel so bad. Now imagine waking up and feeling that way 24/7 for your ENTIRE pregnancy.

Being a Muslim, I will never know what it feels like to have a hangover but being a HG sufferer, I guess what she described is pretty much on the dot. The part where you make deals with God, just for some relief; doing it now. I promise to be a better person, a better mom, to make more donations to charities, bla, bla, bla...ANYTHING, if I could just feel normal again.

I knew I was pregnant with my son at about 5 weeks. I was hospitalized the first time for IV when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was in and out of the hospital for IV during weeks 9 - 12 of my pregnancy. I spent 12 days in the hospital for week 13. I took every drug to try to help with the nausea. I took Zofran, reglan, compazine. Nothing helped. I lost 22 lbs the first 3 months.

I pretty much knew I was pregnant a day after hubby and I "did the works". Haha. Like I said, I tried to keep it a secret for as long as possible and it looked like it was going to work the first 6 weeks. Now, my record has been one hospital stay so far and an entire month of MC. Life as I know it has halted and now all I can think of every minute of every day is "please don't throw up, please don't throw up." So far I've lost 5 kilos. I'm taking Primperan and vitamin B6 but they don't seem to be doing much good. With the lack of fluids, I have a feeling I may need to go for another IV drip soon. God help me.

I was in the pit of depression. I had thoughts of suicide. I'm embarrassed to say there were times when I hoped I would have a miscarrage. This 2nd baby was planned and I wanted to have another child, but I could not take the nausea. The vomiting. My sense of smell was heightened. I was able to smell everything.

Depressed? Extremely. Suicidal? Alhamdullilah, not to that extreme. However, and I'm deeply ashamed to admit this, I too have had thoughts (hopes?) of a miscarriage, just to get some relief. I know if hubby reads this, he may get alarmed. As a Muslim, I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts but sometimes the nausea gets so bad, all I can do is cry. Like Lisa, the baby I'm carrying was planned. I took vitamins and folic acid 3 months before the pregnancy, thinking if I built up my immune system strong enough, I would be able to handle a little bit of vomiting. I so wanted this pregnancy to be different. Now all I can think about is, "What the hell did I get myself into again?"

I was so jealous when I would go to my doctors and see other pregnant women glowing. They looked so happy. They were actually ENJOYING being pregnant. I would hear them talk about their cravings. I would think to myself, "The only thing I am craving is not throwing up every time I put something in my mouth"

Tell me about it. Most of my office mates are women and nearly all of them are married and either have or are currently pregnant. Not one of them had much trouble during their pregnancy. My cubicle mate was up and running right until she had to go off for her maternity leave. All they complained about was how much weight they gained during pregnancy. Sometimes, I felt like I wanted to kick them.

People who don't experience HG, can never understand what it is like. It breaks your spirit.

Prior to finding this website, hubby was one of these people. He kept telling to eat and not think about throwing up. A lot of people I know think that morning sickness and HG are just "in my head" and will go away if I put my mind to it. Believe me, no one, NO ONE wants to feel like this. The attention you get (if you get any at all) is not worth it. There are days when I do try to psych myself up and tell myself "I am feeling fine today" only to have a dry heave in the toilet 10 minutes later. HG makes you feel hopeless, helpless.

I guess what I am trying to say with this rambling post is if you are currently suffering with HG, and you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel....remember....there are others that were in the same position. Please know that HG is not "in your head", it is very real.

This is the part where I broke down and cried; "it is not in your head." I guess I just wanted someone to acknowledge what I was going through, instead of just calling it "a phase" or "a minor mishap". It is very real. Too real. And I want it to be over...NOW.


Anonymous said...

Along.. u r not alone.. i had the same thing sampai 6 bulan.Ada hikmahnya tuh..insyaallah u'll get through this. - fata

Anonymous said...

u r totally not alone.Me, until 4 months.My auntie..sampai 9 months pun still ada muntah lagi.
My tips not to vomit in the early morning / when brushing teeth..makan coklat dulu...or anything..then baru gosok helps

Along said...

Fata: Then u know what I'm going thru. With Dina, I had to suffer for 7 months. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go thru that again. Ni baru masuk 2 bulan lebih, letihnya. Trying to think of the hikmah; just keeping my eye on the end of the tunnel.

Zarina: Coklat helps a bit. Brushing teeth memang definately vomit. Nowadays, since takde sangat human interaction (MC manjang), gosok gigi 3 hari sekali. Urgh, lagi gross.