To Be Or Not To Be

My last entry set off a lot of tongues wagging. Coming into the office this morning, I was bombarded with questions and emails and sms’s.

“Are you pregnant?!!”

There was also the occasional “Are you pregnant..again??!!”

Yes, it does seem like just yesterday I gave birth to Dina. But what if I am pregnant? Would it be such a bad thing?

Based on the pregnancy test I did last week, it looks like only one line appeared. That means:

1. I did the test correctly
2. I am, however, not pregnant.

The reason for the test is because of my period, which is late. Very late. In fact, during the writing of this entry I’m still waiting for it to come. I’m officially 8 days late.

I know it’s normal for a breastfeeding mother not to have her period come for months after giving birth. Is it normal for me to have my period come last month but miss it altogether this month? I hope someone can help answer this.

I can’t stop thinking about this. I would be bluffing if I said I wasn’t scared. I’ve even made up a list of pros and cons of me being pregnant right now.

Pros
1. We always wanted lots of children. Ok, maybe just 5. So me being pregnant now would mean 3 down, 2 more to go.
2. It’s best to get pregnant while I’m still young. OK, I’m not THAT young, but I want to stop getting pregnant when I hit 35.
3. Having the children a year apart would HOPEFULLY mean they would get along better with each other.

Cons
1. I’m still tired from having Dina. So tired. Physically and mentally. Being pregnant with Dina was a trying period. My morning sickness was at its worse; I even had to be admitted into the hospital coz I was throwing up so much.
2. Dina is only 5 1/2 months old. She’s still a baby that needs my attention. Being pregnant would not allow me to give her that.
3. We had planned to go for a major holiday trip end of next year. Being pregnant would mean postponing the trip to the following year.
4. My maid Ani is going back to her hometown end of this month. I have no idea if the new maid would be as efficient as her.
5. Work would definitely suffer as I would be taking lots of medical leaves and emergency days off, especially during the 1st trimester.

As you can see there are more cons than pros. What does that mean? That I dread being pregnant right now? What does that say about me? Am I a bad mother, a horrible human being?

I hear voices of some of my friends who are still waiting to have a child.

“You’re so luckylah, long. You get pregnant easily. Murah rezeki.”

Sigh...