Single Line, Two Times Showing

Well, after reading all the replies to my last post, I decided to do another pregnancy test. This time I went to the clinic as to make it “official”.

After peeing in a cup and handing it over to the nurse, I waited patiently for the doctor to call me in.

“Azlina, boleh masuk (Azlina, you can come in now).”

Going in, I saw the doctor scribbling on her notepad. She looked up at me and smiled.

I held my breath.

“OK, your results negative yah. Why you nak buat test? (Why are you doing this test?)

I told her about my dilemma and how my period had come last month but was very late in coming this month.

“You’re still breastfeeding, right? Sometimes it’s like that. Kejap ada, kejap takde. It’s normal.”

In the car I told hubby about the results. Maybe it was my eyes playing a trick on me, but I swear he looked slightly disappointed.

Reaching home, I went straight to my room and laid down on the bed. For some reason, I felt empty, lost.

I told myself, this is a good thing. Being pregnant now is not what I planned for. Now I can concentrate on the girls and also on myself for a change.

Yet somehow I couldn’t stop grieving. The experience had given me a wake up call; that all things in life may never turn out as we plan them.

That small chance (hope?) that I was pregnant now left me with a sense of mourning. How weird is it that I mourned a child I had never even carried?

I cannot imagine all those mothers who have lost their children, either through miscarriage or early death. How they must have felt and what they must have gone through. I pray and pray I never have to go through that experience.



I go down and watch my girls play together. It’s then I realize, if God wanted me to have another child right now, I would embrace the fact with all my heart. Children are precious gifts which we should cherish and treasure always.