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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Single Line, Two Times Showing

Well, after reading all the replies to my last post, I decided to do another pregnancy test. This time I went to the clinic as to make it “official”.

After peeing in a cup and handing it over to the nurse, I waited patiently for the doctor to call me in.

“Azlina, boleh masuk (Azlina, you can come in now).”

Going in, I saw the doctor scribbling on her notepad. She looked up at me and smiled.

I held my breath.

“OK, your results negative yah. Why you nak buat test? (Why are you doing this test?)

I told her about my dilemma and how my period had come last month but was very late in coming this month.

“You’re still breastfeeding, right? Sometimes it’s like that. Kejap ada, kejap takde. It’s normal.”

In the car I told hubby about the results. Maybe it was my eyes playing a trick on me, but I swear he looked slightly disappointed.

Reaching home, I went straight to my room and laid down on the bed. For some reason, I felt empty, lost.

I told myself, this is a good thing. Being pregnant now is not what I planned for. Now I can concentrate on the girls and also on myself for a change.

Yet somehow I couldn’t stop grieving. The experience had given me a wake up call; that all things in life may never turn out as we plan them.

That small chance (hope?) that I was pregnant now left me with a sense of mourning. How weird is it that I mourned a child I had never even carried?

I cannot imagine all those mothers who have lost their children, either through miscarriage or early death. How they must have felt and what they must have gone through. I pray and pray I never have to go through that experience.



I go down and watch my girls play together. It’s then I realize, if God wanted me to have another child right now, I would embrace the fact with all my heart. Children are precious gifts which we should cherish and treasure always.

6 comments:

mummydarling said...

i know what u mean... i can totally relate. my period is not regular and yet whenever i passed the 45 days period i become hopeful. And when "it" shows i'll feel totally alone and disappointed and sad and despressed...

Anonymous said...

mine was even longer...48 days... which was 14 days late than my previous cycle..when the result was negative i just said to myself "nevermind..it just not my lucky day" .. probably bcoz i've done so many test for the past 3 yrs and all of them went negative ... still remember the first test.. i even hardly can sleep thinking of the result next morning...masa tu memang sedih giler la..but it doesnt stop me from trying and trying and trying...i'm sure the day will come
so Along..probably u r tired and stressed at work..go for a holiday with your hubby and cutie girls lah!..dont worry about the your cycle..
meowmeow..have u heard about this website.. http://www.cyclespage.com/
try to do as much as possible on those "green days"..although i've been counting the days since the past 2 yrs..im still counting.. :)

Krissy said...

Along,

It can be so tough. I heard you so loud and clear on your Pro and Con list.

I am seriously gun-shy about getting pregnant right now. I occasionally have nightmares about it. I worry about it, even though I never got pregnant before when we used condoms.

Last night I was lying in my bed, feeling urpy for some unidentified reason and had this moment of "shit!" when it popped into my head that I might be pregnant!!

Of course, you must understand that if my boob twinges, I think I might be pregnant. If I'm really hungry, I think I might be pregnant. If we have sex, five minutes later I'm sure I'm pregnant. The urpiness was much more likely to be from the pizza than it was from pregnancy.

And yet, I thought about it. The conclusion I came to where that there were a thousand worries if it happened but what are the other options:

1) Abortion? I would never abort our healthy baby, no matter when it happens.

2) Adoption? Please. We are two grown adults who can afford to take care of and want more children.

Any other course of action would mean that Andy and I would have two in about December, whether we were excited about it or not.

So I figured I might as well react with excitement as not.

I'm sorry about the ups and downs. I hope that you stay completely baby-free until you want one and then get pregnant the moment you decide you do.

Krissy

Along said...

To all of you...THANK YOU..THANK YOU!!!

Your replies mean so much, I feel so much better right now.

aapitz said...

Talking about being pregnant, i'm now 45 days in the cycle and 16 days delayed from the previous one. I have done the test on my own, last Saturday but the result was negative....

I didn't put much hope, since there haven't been any signed either im period or being pregnant. And it makes me SO confius. NO pain at my breast or pot-bellied.

At this point of time, I refuse to to put out hope. For the past one year, I've been hoping and counting and trying and hoping and trying and this make me feel really really sad, disappointed and frustrated

I think it's about time for me to see a gynea. I already make an appoinment this Friday.

So let see how. Hopefully nothing CRITICAL on my menstrual cycle and hormones. And MOST IMPORTANT thing i'm OK and healthy...!!

hazel said...

hi along. this is my first time here. got here thru MG's blog.

i felt the same way last month when my period was 3 days late. mine was never late tho. at that time, having an 8 mths old baby Amir, made my feeling mixed.

but then, having a late period might give a sign. try to wait next mth. perhaps there will be a good news waiting?