Miserable

Everyday is a daily struggle. Eating is such a chore and trying to keep food down is sometimes a losing battle. Unbelievably keeping down liquids is harder so I’m trying to get my fluids from fruits like apples and such. A glass of juice takes me one hour to finish. I have to sip slowly in order not to have it all come out again.

I think the worst thing out of all of this is the complete loneliness I feel. Nobody understands what I’m going through. Even hubby, who has seen me gone through this stage 5 times already, doesn’t get it when I say I can’t eat or drink. What he hears is that I WON’T eat or drink so if I just toughen up and JUST EAT, everything would be better. My mom hasn’t called me in weeks; I could be in the hospital or dead for all she cares. I had a fight with my partner because I wasn’t able to cover her at the spa.

Sometimes I wish I had a lot of money that I could whisk myself to a highland resort where it would be cool and breezy and there would be nurses and maids to take care of my every need. I would just spend the day lying in bed with a good book or sit out under the shade and appreciate the breeze. No pollution, no funny smells to make me gag. Nobody to bother me about work or family matters. Nobody to make me feel guilty for not pulling my weight.

My nose is hyper sensitive nowadays. I’ve kicked hubby out of bed because his BO offends me so he sleeps on the floor with the girls. Part of me feels guilty but another part of me says if I had to choose between sleeping on the floor and being nauseous all the time, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out which one I would choose. It’s not just hubby; even the girls’ sweet smell is getting to me, especially when they’ve just taken their baths. I can’t remember the last time I hugged or kissed them. And the worst thing is, right now, I don’t really care.