Explanation

So it's been a while. And while I'm still not in a blogging kind of mood, I thought I might just spare a few minutes to explain what has been going on.

OK, ready? Deep breathe.....









I'm pregnant.

I know, this should be good news, right? I should be over the moon, thankful..yada,yada,yada.

Save your breath. I know all that. It's just, when you've been through what I have the past year, what with 3 miscarriages in a row, being pregnant again is scary stuff.

So far, the pregnancy is ok. When I wrote my last post, I was 5 weeks and had started to bleed. I really thought I was going to lose the baby then. I shut down mentally and physically, because thinking made me sad and angry and helpless.

During my 6 weeks check up the doctor confirmed that I had several blood clots in my womb. So far, still no heartbeat but she told me not to worry and prescribed me hormone pills.

Yeah right, telling me not to worry is like telling Paris Hilton not to dress up like skank. Not going to happen!!

Because of this fact, my raya wasn't all that joyous. Yeah, I did all the things required, visited all the people we had to visit, if only for the girls' sake. My mind just couldn't stop thinking about anything else. Luckily I hadn't told anyone but my mom about my condition, so nobody kept asking me if I was ok all the time.

So now I'm at 8 weeks and still spotting lightly. My appetite has gone down too, though I'm constantly hungry. My MS has reared its ugly head again although rather mild this time. I hope it just doesn't get any worst; I don't even want to remember what I went through last year.

All in all, I'm taking things one day at a time. Because of my past history, I find myself unable to attach myself to the child I'm currently carrying. It's like I think if I don't get too attached, then I won't be too depressed when I lose it.

I know, I know...bad thoughts. But I can't help.