Miserable

Everyday is a daily struggle. Eating is such a chore and trying to keep food down is sometimes a losing battle. Unbelievably keeping down liquids is harder so I’m trying to get my fluids from fruits like apples and such. A glass of juice takes me one hour to finish. I have to sip slowly in order not to have it all come out again.

I think the worst thing out of all of this is the complete loneliness I feel. Nobody understands what I’m going through. Even hubby, who has seen me gone through this stage 5 times already, doesn’t get it when I say I can’t eat or drink. What he hears is that I WON’T eat or drink so if I just toughen up and JUST EAT, everything would be better. My mom hasn’t called me in weeks; I could be in the hospital or dead for all she cares. I had a fight with my partner because I wasn’t able to cover her at the spa.

Sometimes I wish I had a lot of money that I could whisk myself to a highland resort where it would be cool and breezy and there would be nurses and maids to take care of my every need. I would just spend the day lying in bed with a good book or sit out under the shade and appreciate the breeze. No pollution, no funny smells to make me gag. Nobody to bother me about work or family matters. Nobody to make me feel guilty for not pulling my weight.

My nose is hyper sensitive nowadays. I’ve kicked hubby out of bed because his BO offends me so he sleeps on the floor with the girls. Part of me feels guilty but another part of me says if I had to choose between sleeping on the floor and being nauseous all the time, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out which one I would choose. It’s not just hubby; even the girls’ sweet smell is getting to me, especially when they’ve just taken their baths. I can’t remember the last time I hugged or kissed them. And the worst thing is, right now, I don’t really care.

10 Weeks

I had my check up yesterday. So far, everything looks ok, bleeding has become more of a stain nowadays and my doctor gave me some pills for my MS. I’m crossing my fingers that they work. My MS has been rather funny this time around; not funny ha-ha but funny weird. Somedays I vomit 2-3 times a day (extra bad day), other days I vomit once (bad day) and occasionally I just feel nauseous all day (good day?). Whatever it is, I’m into my 10th week already (only!!) so here’s hoping the MS starts to wear off.

One thing that hasn’t let up is my constant feeling of tiredness. Everything I do, I have to pep talk myself into doing it. “Come on Along, just get to the bathroom. OK, now reach for your toothbrush. OK, not so much toothpaste. Yeah, 3 seconds of brushing should be enough.”

So one of the things I’m going to do this time around is to learn my body limits. I think my last 3 miscarriages were partly due to me not listening to my body and just plowing through. This is what my doctor advised anyway; to get a much rest as possible, not to get stressed and to eat something (anything!). Unfortunately it’s a bit hard to do when people are asking you “how you feeling…you look pale, you should rest” but in the very same breath add “by the way, you need to attend this….do that…complete this…prepare that.” Sigh.

This sidenote goes out to a certain someone - I don’t appreciate it you laughing in my face over my MS. I was all ears when you went through your phase; I would think someone who knows the pain of feeling nauseous and vomiting all the time would know better than to make fun of it. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, much more someone I consider a friend. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Hair-Less

2 days ago I got a hair cut. I got it short, really short. In my mind, I was thinking Posh Spice and her latest pixie cut. I told the hairdresser this, I want Posh Spice’s latest haircut. She looked at me and said “that’s really short.”

Yeah, kind of what I was thinking here. I can’t stand the smell of shampoo anymore so less hair to worry about, the better.

As I got ready to sit in the chair, the lady looked at me again. “Cacak-cacak punya style ah? (Spiky hair style?)”

Huh? Whatever. I just shrugged and tried not to breathe in so much of the chemical fumes of the shop. In other words, I concentrated in trying not to vomit during the hair cutting session.

I probably should have said something when she took out a long razor blade instead of the usual scissors. I probably should have said something when the hairdresser started to chuckle as she shaved my hair off. Instead I kept quiet and just watched the transformation unfold before me.

It was all over in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes, I had turned from lady with long shoulder length hair to boy with spiked hair.

I was Hillary Swank from Boys Don’t Cry. But then I don’t have her sharp features or strong jaw to pull it off.

Then I thought, “Good God, I look like Annie Lennox!!”

Great, I either looked like a lost boy or a 40 year old woman trying to be funky.

When I got home, hubby was already waiting.

“I cut my hair.”

“Oh, really. You’ve been talking about doing that for days.”

“It’s really short. REALLY short.”

“Can’t be that ba….Oh my goodness!”

Truth be told, hubby was rather good natured about the whole thing. The girls, not so much. Dina kept asking me why I now looked like a boy. Even my maid was like, “it’s too short.”

Ah well, what’s done is done. Hair will grow back anyway. Just one less thing to think about in my not-so-good condition nowadays.

Emotional

Yesterday I watched the movie Miss Potter which starred Renee Zellweger, Ewan McGregor and Emily Watson. It was just the type of movie I was looking for; romantic yet still light enough that I didn’t have to think much. It did have an extremely tragic scene which left me sobbing my eyes out. Dania was quite shocked to see me cry especially when I told her it was because of the movie. She proceeded to sit beside me and rub my back to make me feel better.

It’s been a while since I’ve cried because of a movie. I blame the hormones. I also blame the hormones for my state of mind nowadays; I’m constantly tired and nauseous. Luckily vomited is limited to mornings only but getting up is such a hassle. The earliest I can get to work is 930am and even that’s with much force on my part. I wish I could just wake up next morning and suddenly be 9 months pregnant; get this whole thing over and done with.

Explanation

So it's been a while. And while I'm still not in a blogging kind of mood, I thought I might just spare a few minutes to explain what has been going on.

OK, ready? Deep breathe.....









I'm pregnant.

I know, this should be good news, right? I should be over the moon, thankful..yada,yada,yada.

Save your breath. I know all that. It's just, when you've been through what I have the past year, what with 3 miscarriages in a row, being pregnant again is scary stuff.

So far, the pregnancy is ok. When I wrote my last post, I was 5 weeks and had started to bleed. I really thought I was going to lose the baby then. I shut down mentally and physically, because thinking made me sad and angry and helpless.

During my 6 weeks check up the doctor confirmed that I had several blood clots in my womb. So far, still no heartbeat but she told me not to worry and prescribed me hormone pills.

Yeah right, telling me not to worry is like telling Paris Hilton not to dress up like skank. Not going to happen!!

Because of this fact, my raya wasn't all that joyous. Yeah, I did all the things required, visited all the people we had to visit, if only for the girls' sake. My mind just couldn't stop thinking about anything else. Luckily I hadn't told anyone but my mom about my condition, so nobody kept asking me if I was ok all the time.

So now I'm at 8 weeks and still spotting lightly. My appetite has gone down too, though I'm constantly hungry. My MS has reared its ugly head again although rather mild this time. I hope it just doesn't get any worst; I don't even want to remember what I went through last year.

All in all, I'm taking things one day at a time. Because of my past history, I find myself unable to attach myself to the child I'm currently carrying. It's like I think if I don't get too attached, then I won't be too depressed when I lose it.

I know, I know...bad thoughts. But I can't help.