Willing It To Be Better

I took another week off from work on advice from my boss and also my own body. This HG has been so unpredictable lately, I can't tell if I'm going to be ok or not the next day.

But I don't want to write about the misery of pregnancy because reading my past (five? six?) posts, it's like DUDE, WE GET IT. BEING PREGNANT SUCKS!! So instead of going on and on about how tired I am all the time or how my eating habits are based on what tastes good coming back up instead of going down (note: NOTHING tastes good coming back up, except sweet candy), I'm going to write about it for only a few paragraphs. And then that's it. Really. Promise. No more pregnancy rants after this.

Eventhough I've been able to eat every now and then, that constant feeling that I've ate too much is always there. Even after like hours after eating, I feel like nothing actually went down but just stayed in my throat area. Sudden movements by myself or others around me makes me gag. Yawning makes me gag. Sneezing makes me gag. It's only will power and the extreme despair of seeing food go to waste that's keeping me from surrendering and heading for the toilet.

Hubby says it's because I don't eat enough, which maybe true if not for the fact that eating seems to be the major cause for my nauseousness. I feel good during the process of eating but 2 minutes after and I'm like kicking myself for having that slice of bread or drinking that cup of hot cocoa. Does that mean I need to constantly be eating? It's times like this that I envy the cow; able to munch away at grass for hours on end. But then they have four stomachs whereas I only have one. And it's not all that big to begin with either.

This constant tired feeling I have is the biggest bugger. It sucks when my mind keeps thinking of all the things I need to do and all the people that depend on me but my body can't comply. Luckily the girls have been super understanding, but still I can tell they miss our "adventurous girls" time together. I've been able to interact more with them without getting too tired; previously even smiling for them was such a chore. Now we spend most of our time together in front of the idiot box watching cartoons which maybe not all that great but still at least I can be close to them. Dina loves to say hello to the baby every now and then, which kind of reminds me that I'm pregnant and not just "sick". I'm sick for a reason, WITH a reason so all those negative thoughts I've been thinking for the past nine weeks should cease immediately. I've been through worst and survived.

Having said that, I do not enjoy being pregnant. If a genie suddenly appeared in front of me and granted me one wish, it would be for me to be like J.Lo, Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie and all those other pregnant, happy, fabulous, glowing-with-motherly-aura celebrities I've tortured myself to look at everyday. But alas, I am not one of those people. I cannot connect or relate to a pregnant woman who says she's so happy to be pregnant and being pregnant is the best time of her life and she wishes she was pregnant all the time. I wish I could. Instead I'm the one who gets to relate being pregnant with constant nausea, vomiting, constipation, fainting spells, acne, extra dry skin, cramps, and all the aches and pains you can get while pregnant.

Blaa. This rant has gone on long enough. And while there is so much more I wish to get off my chest, I feel that this is enough for my blog. The last thing I would want is for my future child to read this and come up to me only to ask "So did you even want me?"

So let me state it loud and clear right here. Dear Baby, eventhough I'm going through hell right here and eventhough there are times that I may wish that it was all over, at the end of the day I realise the blessing that has been placed on our family. And eventhough I may not think so now, I know that in the future, I'll look back at this period of my life, then set my eyes on you and know, with all the love in my heart, that it was totally worth it.