Misyar Marriage...Misyar Not!!

Yeah, yeah, we’ll get back to my wonderful, amazing trip to Bali in a moment. For now I want to talk about a certain subject that has had me fuming these last couple of days. You may have read about it in the newspapers; I’m talking about “misyar” marriages.

Definition of Misyar marriage - a matrimonial pact where the man need not give his wife any material support – like money or clothing – except provide for her sexual needs.

Ok. So the ball is pretty much still in the air about whether this ruling is legal according to Syariah Law. But let’s put legal or non-legal issues aside first.

First of all, according to Islam, when a man and woman get married, the man is financially, emotionally and spiritually responsible for his wife’s wellbeing. Misyar gives the man leeway on the matter, simply because now he no longer needs to cater to the wife’s financial needs; but just needs to pop in (literally!) once in a while, whenever he feels like it, to give *ahem* sexual favors.

Holy crap Batman!! Tell me dear readers, just how is this different than trying to legalize prostitution? Seriously, when you take away the fact a ceremony was held at the beginning of their relationship (I wonder who paid for that, must have been the woman!!), the “relationship” is just like A Regular Joe visiting his weekly/monthly mistress at his favorite brothel.

Some snippets taken from The Star:

Dr Mahmud, of the university’s Islamic Studies Academy, said allowing such marriages could go a long way towards reducing incidents of vice in the country.

So you’re saying the reason for vice in this country is because a lot of women are unmarried and looking for someone to scratch their itch?! Coz seriously Dr., you need to do a whole lot more research in that area.

Kelantan State Minister Datuk Nik Aziz Nik Mat, who supported the idea, said such a marriage was allowed in Islam on the condition that consent is obtained from the woman who is willing to enter into this matrimonial pact.

Ok, a show of hands among the women who would rather get involved in a Misyar marriage than become an old maid? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Ok, maybe I can’t say much about being an old maid, because I’m not one. I was fortunately to meet hubby and get married at a relatively young age (Is 25 young?). But I think, as a woman, I can shed a few rays of sunshine on the subject. WOMEN DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE THEIR MEN. Polygamy? Yeah, if I were a widow with 5 kids and some kind married man wanted to take me as his second wife, sure, I would be open to the possibility. With condition, the 1st wife knew and approved. And also, with the assurance that my kids would be taken care off. I can live with that, if I had to.

But getting into a marriage where my man doesn’t give me any money, doesn’t provide me with clothes, or a house or a freaking car to drive around; that just doesn’t make sense. On top of that, I’m supposed to serve him with sex!!! So you see, I just don’t see how this is misyar marriage is a win-win situation for the women. You have to sleep with a loser who can’t afford to provide you with the basic necessities in life. Boohoo!

Furthermore, as I hope most of you would agree, one of the main reasons for getting married is to have children, to provide a downline of your species; we need more women like Along in this world!! Tell me how getting involved in a misyar marriage would obtain this? To me, misyar marriages destroy the fundamentals of marriage in the first place. The man is not made responsible for his wife’s economical wellbeing, or that of her children. If they divorce (with I’ve read, most likely happens in misyar marriages, shocking, I know) the wife cannot claim a single cent from the ex. What is become of the children? During the marriage, the man is not required to be there often as it is stated that the man may visit the wife for conjugal relations as and when he pleases. So what kind of relationship can the children hope to have with their so-called father if he is never around?

In the same column, Mingguan Malaysia quoted Single Mothers Association of Malaysia president Maimunah Omar as saying that if misyar marriages could help to resolve the problem of women looking for life partners, there should not be any objection to it.

She said that while the problem was not acute, it would be increasingly difficult in future for Muslim women to get married because their population were increasing while more and more men were getting addicted to drugs, becoming jobless and being further out of reach for various other reasons.

“If we look at marriage as a shared responsibility, we can resolve a lot of problems faced by unmarried women,” she said. She added that many successful and accomplished women wanted a man to protect and care for her and to have children with.

Maimunah said that from the male viewpoint, many were also holding back marriage plans because of the lack of steady jobs and the rising costs of marriage.

For the love of God!! OK, I have quite a number of girlfriends who are still unmarried, who would be totally offended by what this maniac woman has to say. It’s just like in High School; girls being told not to be so smart coz then the guys would feel intimidated and not like them. Well, who needs boys like that anyway? All this bullshit about women holding high office positions and not being able to find a compatible companion; maybe it’s not the women that need to be dumbed down, but the men need to step up and realize that women were not created to stroke their intensively big ego in the first place. If you can’t afford to get married now, do something about it. Get off you lazy ass and get a real job. My suggestion would be something that doesn’t include sticking a filthy needle in your arm.

Plus, when on earth did Malaysian women become so desperate to be married all of a sudden? It’s like there’s a ticking bomb somewhere, if women are not married by a certain age, the bomb will go off and the entire human species will be wiped from the face of the earth. Frankly speaking, I would rather remain unmarried than be married to a loser. If the guy I loved couldn’t afford me a big house, a small apartment would do. If we couldn’t afford going out for dinner every weekend, takeaway from McDonalds sounds grand too. If you can’t afford to take me to theatre shows or to the movies, watching astro at the local mamak stand is sufficient.

Let’s say for argument sake, I am 35 and still not married. I hold a high office position and I own a nice house and a nice car. Financially I’m doing very well on my own. I have friends I hang out with on weekends and because I’m single I can visit my family quite often. I have the occasional boyfriends but nothing serious. Suddenly I’m hit with the sound of my biological clock; it’s ticking..LOUD. What is a successful, intelligent, kind megababe to do? Do I

a) Marry one of my loser boyfriends who couldn’t handle the idea of dating a higher ranking woman like myself, much less be married to one and relinquish all financial rights as a wife?
b) Adopt a child that desperately needs love and take some hormones so maybe I can lactate and provide breast milk so that the baby will become my breastfed child?

Seriously, does it take a genius to figure out which option is much better? Yeah, so there may be some of you who’ll be saying it’s not the same, women need men companionship to survive, to feel whole, to belong. The whole idea is companionship. Tell me where it states a woman gets that in a misyar marriage.

In conclusion, women are tolerant but not to the point of being labeled stupid. We’re ready to sacrifice a few perks in life if it means being with the man we love and sharing the responsibility together. The key word here is SHARING. Being together; going through thick and thin together, going through good and bad times together, being poor and being rich together. Being married yet still living free and independent lives from each other doesn’t count as a marriage in my book.

And it shouldn’t in yours.