Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Misyar Marriage...Misyar Not!!

Yeah, yeah, we’ll get back to my wonderful, amazing trip to Bali in a moment. For now I want to talk about a certain subject that has had me fuming these last couple of days. You may have read about it in the newspapers; I’m talking about “misyar” marriages.

Definition of Misyar marriage - a matrimonial pact where the man need not give his wife any material support – like money or clothing – except provide for her sexual needs.

Ok. So the ball is pretty much still in the air about whether this ruling is legal according to Syariah Law. But let’s put legal or non-legal issues aside first.

First of all, according to Islam, when a man and woman get married, the man is financially, emotionally and spiritually responsible for his wife’s wellbeing. Misyar gives the man leeway on the matter, simply because now he no longer needs to cater to the wife’s financial needs; but just needs to pop in (literally!) once in a while, whenever he feels like it, to give *ahem* sexual favors.

Holy crap Batman!! Tell me dear readers, just how is this different than trying to legalize prostitution? Seriously, when you take away the fact a ceremony was held at the beginning of their relationship (I wonder who paid for that, must have been the woman!!), the “relationship” is just like A Regular Joe visiting his weekly/monthly mistress at his favorite brothel.

Some snippets taken from The Star:

Dr Mahmud, of the university’s Islamic Studies Academy, said allowing such marriages could go a long way towards reducing incidents of vice in the country.

So you’re saying the reason for vice in this country is because a lot of women are unmarried and looking for someone to scratch their itch?! Coz seriously Dr., you need to do a whole lot more research in that area.

Kelantan State Minister Datuk Nik Aziz Nik Mat, who supported the idea, said such a marriage was allowed in Islam on the condition that consent is obtained from the woman who is willing to enter into this matrimonial pact.

Ok, a show of hands among the women who would rather get involved in a Misyar marriage than become an old maid? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Ok, maybe I can’t say much about being an old maid, because I’m not one. I was fortunately to meet hubby and get married at a relatively young age (Is 25 young?). But I think, as a woman, I can shed a few rays of sunshine on the subject. WOMEN DO NOT LIKE TO SHARE THEIR MEN. Polygamy? Yeah, if I were a widow with 5 kids and some kind married man wanted to take me as his second wife, sure, I would be open to the possibility. With condition, the 1st wife knew and approved. And also, with the assurance that my kids would be taken care off. I can live with that, if I had to.

But getting into a marriage where my man doesn’t give me any money, doesn’t provide me with clothes, or a house or a freaking car to drive around; that just doesn’t make sense. On top of that, I’m supposed to serve him with sex!!! So you see, I just don’t see how this is misyar marriage is a win-win situation for the women. You have to sleep with a loser who can’t afford to provide you with the basic necessities in life. Boohoo!

Furthermore, as I hope most of you would agree, one of the main reasons for getting married is to have children, to provide a downline of your species; we need more women like Along in this world!! Tell me how getting involved in a misyar marriage would obtain this? To me, misyar marriages destroy the fundamentals of marriage in the first place. The man is not made responsible for his wife’s economical wellbeing, or that of her children. If they divorce (with I’ve read, most likely happens in misyar marriages, shocking, I know) the wife cannot claim a single cent from the ex. What is become of the children? During the marriage, the man is not required to be there often as it is stated that the man may visit the wife for conjugal relations as and when he pleases. So what kind of relationship can the children hope to have with their so-called father if he is never around?

In the same column, Mingguan Malaysia quoted Single Mothers Association of Malaysia president Maimunah Omar as saying that if misyar marriages could help to resolve the problem of women looking for life partners, there should not be any objection to it.

She said that while the problem was not acute, it would be increasingly difficult in future for Muslim women to get married because their population were increasing while more and more men were getting addicted to drugs, becoming jobless and being further out of reach for various other reasons.

“If we look at marriage as a shared responsibility, we can resolve a lot of problems faced by unmarried women,” she said. She added that many successful and accomplished women wanted a man to protect and care for her and to have children with.

Maimunah said that from the male viewpoint, many were also holding back marriage plans because of the lack of steady jobs and the rising costs of marriage.

For the love of God!! OK, I have quite a number of girlfriends who are still unmarried, who would be totally offended by what this maniac woman has to say. It’s just like in High School; girls being told not to be so smart coz then the guys would feel intimidated and not like them. Well, who needs boys like that anyway? All this bullshit about women holding high office positions and not being able to find a compatible companion; maybe it’s not the women that need to be dumbed down, but the men need to step up and realize that women were not created to stroke their intensively big ego in the first place. If you can’t afford to get married now, do something about it. Get off you lazy ass and get a real job. My suggestion would be something that doesn’t include sticking a filthy needle in your arm.

Plus, when on earth did Malaysian women become so desperate to be married all of a sudden? It’s like there’s a ticking bomb somewhere, if women are not married by a certain age, the bomb will go off and the entire human species will be wiped from the face of the earth. Frankly speaking, I would rather remain unmarried than be married to a loser. If the guy I loved couldn’t afford me a big house, a small apartment would do. If we couldn’t afford going out for dinner every weekend, takeaway from McDonalds sounds grand too. If you can’t afford to take me to theatre shows or to the movies, watching astro at the local mamak stand is sufficient.

Let’s say for argument sake, I am 35 and still not married. I hold a high office position and I own a nice house and a nice car. Financially I’m doing very well on my own. I have friends I hang out with on weekends and because I’m single I can visit my family quite often. I have the occasional boyfriends but nothing serious. Suddenly I’m hit with the sound of my biological clock; it’s ticking..LOUD. What is a successful, intelligent, kind megababe to do? Do I

a) Marry one of my loser boyfriends who couldn’t handle the idea of dating a higher ranking woman like myself, much less be married to one and relinquish all financial rights as a wife?
b) Adopt a child that desperately needs love and take some hormones so maybe I can lactate and provide breast milk so that the baby will become my breastfed child?

Seriously, does it take a genius to figure out which option is much better? Yeah, so there may be some of you who’ll be saying it’s not the same, women need men companionship to survive, to feel whole, to belong. The whole idea is companionship. Tell me where it states a woman gets that in a misyar marriage.

In conclusion, women are tolerant but not to the point of being labeled stupid. We’re ready to sacrifice a few perks in life if it means being with the man we love and sharing the responsibility together. The key word here is SHARING. Being together; going through thick and thin together, going through good and bad times together, being poor and being rich together. Being married yet still living free and independent lives from each other doesn’t count as a marriage in my book.

And it shouldn’t in yours.


azrin said...

Misha Omar mesti selalu tersedak dua tiga hari ni =))

Ms Zebra said...

i was blog-hopping and loved the way how u blogged about this ridiculous misyar marriage thingy that has been going on. spot on!

Along said...

ala..ingatkan nak bagi komen apa ler...

Kaklong Syikin said...

hmm..yg saya nampak, amalan kahwin misyar ni mmg dah sedia ada dlm masyarakt,cuma istilah ni baru keluar. sbbnya saya ckap camtu, ada isteri yg mmg suami tak bagi nafkah langsung tanpa redha isteri, tp diri sendiri tanggung. itu bukan isteri kaya tu, isteri yg kejenya sebagai kerani dan keje yg gaji2 kecik aje.

hmm saya risau bila nikah misyar ni diperbolehkan drp segi perundangan di malaysia, rmai akan salah gunanya esp. lelaki yg tak bertanggungjawab dan hanya nampak nafsu tunggak utama kebahagiaan saja sebab dia hanya tau bagi nafkah batin aje, nafkah zahir tidak. bayangkan kalau si suami tak puas hati ngan layanan isteri, dia blh tinggalkan begitu aje n cari lagi isteri baru yg blh puaskan dia. kalau dia dpti isteri baru tu layanan superb, saya tak fikir dia akan balik cari isteri yg lagi satu, sbb buat apa? dia tak de rasa tanggungjawab drp segi nafkah zahir dan nafkah batin pula dia dah dpt yg lbh best drp isteri baru. sudahnya isteri yg malang tu ditinggal camtu ajer..sudahnya, sapa jadi mangsa? isteri jugak. tak mustahil perceraian akan terjadi..ditakuti bertambah kes perceraian disebabkan kahwin misyar ni.

lagi satu, di negara arab yg mmbenarkan nikah misyar tu, kita tak tau camner situasinya hinggakan diperundangkan sedemikian rupa, sbb bi'ah mereka tak sama ngan kita.

tp kalau wanita tu redha tak diberi nafkah zahir, mmg tak blh nak buat apalah.cumanya, satu kena ingat, perkahwinan bukan setakat menghalalkan seks sahaja tp lebih drp itu.

dan macamana pula dgn nafkah anak yg terhasil dlm perkahwinan misyar ni? adakah isteri kena tanggung sendiri juga? sbb nafkah anak tu mmg wajib bapa yg beri.

kalaulah isteri2 dlm perkahwinan misyar ni bercerai pula..adakah dia ebrhak tuntut apa2 hak selepas bercerai? spt nafkah edah, harta sepencarian, mut'ah?

mmg semua tokoh agama n mufti kena duduk semeja utk bincangkan nikah ni blh atau tidak diperundangkan di malaysia..

Along said...

Missy Mel: Thanks for stopping by. I'll be visiting your blog soon. Glad to know you're on the same wavelength with me on this misyar bullshit.

Syikin: Wanita lain. Kita sanggup berkorban jiwa raga utk lelaki yg kita sayangi. Even if the woman were to agree not to recieve any financial assistance from her husband, it still falls under the husband's responsibilities.

Memang along buat research pasal kawin misyar ni. Memang selalunya misyar wife akan diceraikan. Lepas tu apa? Wanita tu dah status janda, takde duit, tak bleh tuntut nafkah untuk diri sendiri atau untuk anak2. Adil ke ini? Inikah Islam?

Tak payahlah nak buang masa bincang hal kawin misyar ni. Jangan nak isytiharkan boleh ke apa. Bikin kecoh je nanti.

Cherry said...

along, try find the interview writeup by MM;sia 28th May 2006 with Ketua Pengarah IKIM Dr Syed Ali Tawfik Al-Attas. A good analysis.

azrin said...

Saja nak bg link utk komen ninuk tu:

Apa-apa pun, lebih kurang sama perbincangan mcm Along tulis ni lah gak. Cuma dia menekankan betapa org dok sibuk ttg hal remeh sedangkan permasalahan yg menjadi asas ketidak-kahwin-an tu langsung diabaikan. Tp yg aku heran, awat tak byk org fikir camtu.

Dlm AlQuran, surah Annur, Tuhan dah bg panduan dgn tanggungjawab pasangan tu, tp mcm syikin kata lah, kahwin misyar ni dah byk diamalkan di M'sia tu. Yg misyar saja (tak dak kahwin tu) pun banyak. Mungkinlah sebab rasa bersalah diri buat salah tu, terus nak menghalalkannya.

Kalau Along kata mcm halalkan prostitution, ini free terus.

Mesti Misha Omar nyanyi:
"misyarl tum... NEHIIII!!!" =))

Kiah Kardashian said...

Hi Along.Tersinggah pulak kat sini. Selalu follow your blog tapi hari ni baru nak bagi komen.

Saya kat sini pun selalu follow pasal misyar marriage yangtengah hot kat Msia skrg.

Sakan la orang laki yang mmg ada niat nak pasang lagi satu. Ada alasan baeek punyer.

My opinion sama la macam syikin tulis tuh. Tapi yang herannyer sanggup ke wanita ni digunakan sebagai tempat melepas hawa nafsu shj. hairan betul...

it's gonna be a very bad idea. Byk buruk dari baik. Yang baiknyer saya nampak mungkin mengurangkan zina...buang anak dan sewaktu dgnnya. Yang buruknyer divorce, kemiskinan (kalau mak bergtg kepada sumber pendapatan suami), lebih menyumbang kepada kemunduran org muslim (sangat merisaukan), hak perempuan ditindas so on and so forth.

Silalah orang orang ni meninjau masalah kekeluargaan yang lain. Kes kat pejabat kadi banyak yang tak settle. Inikan nak create problem baru.

Along said...

Ninuk: Thanks for the update.

Sput: Thanks for the link. Memang menarik, dan sungguh benar.

Zakiah: Welcome. Jauhnya mai dari Dubai. Terharu sudi singgah dan letak komen. What you wrote is exactly right. Too many bad things would happen if we made misyar marriages an OK deal.

mary bishop said...

Great post and I never heard of that before...but it sounds much more beneficial to the man with zero for the woman.

It doesn't seem to matter what religion, or country or ethnic group...the men always come out on top so to speak!

Mohd Masri bin Mohd Ramli said...

aslm wbt..ini petikan dr blog saya..
ini rakaman audio kuliah tersebut

saya cuma mengingatkan, bila kita mahu komen sesuatu, kita kena faham bgmana sbnarnye hal itu..mcm nikah misyar media tidak menrangkan bgmana prosedur nikah misyar, hingga pembaca menyangka lelaki yg ingin berkahwin boleh membuat syarat2 yg mengarut kpd pihak perempuan.
wslm wbt

Nikah Misyar
Petikan Ceramah Nikah Misyar oleh Dr Asri Zainul Abidin

Ulama' Khilaf Dalam Membolehkan Pernikahan Misyar:

1) Mereka yang mengharamkan: Sheikh Nasiruddin al-Albani dan beberapa ulama lain. Alasan mereka ialah kerana tidak sampai maksud perkahwinan iaitu kewajipan suami kepada isteri seperti nafkah, tempat tinggal dan lain-lain.

2) Tidak memberikan hukum: Ulama yang berpendapat sebegini ialah Sheikh Shalil al-Uthaimin.

3) Menghalalkan akan tetapi tidak menggalakkannya. Dipegang oleh Dr. Yusuf al-Qaradhawi dan beberapa ulama' lain. Majma' Fiqh Islam Sedunia membenarkannya.

Alasan mereka yang membenarkan ialah:
1) Bukan suami yang mengambil hak isteri, akan tetapi si isteri yang menawarkan untuk haknya ditarik. Sebagai contoh seorang wanita berkata kepada seorang lelaki bahawa lelaki tersebut tidak perlu menanggung kewangannya, dan hanya tinggal bersamanya beberapa hari sahaja. Dalam kes ini wanita tersebut sendiri yang menawarkan haknya untuk dikurangkan. Ini sama seperti kes isteri Nabi Muhammad SAW, Ummul Mukminin Saudah yang memberikan giliran harinya untuk bersama Rasulullah SAW kepada Ummul Mukminin 'Aisyah RA.

2) Bukan suami yang meminta hak itu dikurangkan, sebaliknya wanita tersebut yang menawarkannya.

3) Seeloknya di siasat benarkah isteri itu memang benar-benar sanggup menyerahkan haknya atau hanya cakap sahaja ketika sedang kemaruk cinta. Sebagai contoh, jika dia berkata bahawa si lelaki tidak perlu menanggung kewangannya, maka perlulah bertanya benarkah dia memang betul-betul mampu menanggung dirinya sendiri tanpa tanggungan suami, dan benarkah dia memang rela untuk mengurangkan haknya.

Pro dan Kontra:
1) Perkahwinan ini dapat mengurangkan jumlah wanita yang tidak berkahwin.
2) Meredakan tekanan emosi bagi wanita berkerjaya yang mahu bersuami tetapi ramai lelaki yang enggan kerana takut untuk menanggung wanita berpendapatan tinggi.
3) Mengurangkan maksiat zina dan muqaddimah zina lebih-lebih lagi kepada golongan muda seperti pelajar-pelajar universiti, lebih-lebih lagi kebanyakan mereka sudah mempunyai pasangan masing-masing, becintan-cintun, dan ke hulu ke hilir dengan bukan mahram.

1) Takut-takut berlaku penindasan ke atas wanita.
2) Masalah jika si isteri mengungkit-ungkit.

Along said...

MB: How true. Thanks for the comment.

m87: Exactly my point. Kita bagi contoh Rasulullah, tapi zaman sekarang, ada kah lelaki yg serupa dengan Baginda? Org lelaki sekarang, semua pakai sunah nabi sebagai alasan. Rasulullah kawin 4, depa pun nak kawin 4. Rasulullah kawin misyar, depa pun nak kawin misyar. Padahal, sebab2 mengapa tu jauh berbeza dengan sebab2 Baginda. Sekarang punya lelaki bukan pikir nak ringankan beban kaum wanita, tetapi lebih kepada nak memuaskan nafsu sex mereka sendiri.

Ini bukan kutukan tetapi kenyataan. I stick by my post; better not to allow misyar marriages in Malaysia. Is our problem of unmarried women that cronic? Saya rasa bukan. Sebaliknya kita patut alihkan perhatian kepada kenapa ramai lelaki yg tidak menjadi contoh terbaik untuk dikahwini. Miskin, tidak bekerja, tidak berpelajaran. Jangan bebankan kaum wanita dengan masalah yg berpunca dari sikap ambil senang kaum lelaki itu.

Mohd Masri bin Mohd Ramli said...

aslm wbt

bab ni hanya gurl yg berhak tawarkan kt lelaki tersebut.
jd terpulang pd girlalh, kalau xnak, xpayah offer.

Mistress La Spliffe said...


Johari said...

Dear Along,

We share common identical concerns with regards to Misyar,I read those words you have putting in and do share the concerned of this particular kind of marriage
If you dont mind we can share mind

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