Arghhhh.....I wrote too soon. Today is a total relapse. Vomititis galore!! And I thought the worst was over. Had to log on to let my colleague know because my phone got barred. Grrr...
Now please excuse me while I take a short nap. My head is spinning again...
Heee, I didn’t expect other people to be more pissed off about Anonymous comment than I was. In the years that I’ve been blogging, if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that what I write is what I feel at that time and like any other stuff put out into the public domain, is open to critics and comments. I can’t stop people from saying what they say but I can control how I want to feel about it. I find the best way to handle stuff like that is to take everything with a pinch of humor (as Anonymous should have with my post) and let it roll off my back. The younger-me maybe would have lost sleep over it but the now-me just can’t be bothered. Life is too short to nit and pick at every single bad thing that come my way.
But I really must give a huge shout out to all my friends who did come to my defense via email and YM. In a weird way, I guess I owe thanks to Anonymous too, coz your comment did not hurt me as maybe intended but actually brought out my true friends to my side.
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And more good news....I think my MS is started to subside..FINALLY!! Eating is no longer as torturous as it was before, though keeping the food down is still a battle sometimes. I’m no longer nauseous 24/7 (it comes in waves instead of constant all the time) but certain smells and sights do still bring me down. Mornings are still a bit iffy for me but I find once I’ve gotten over the initial fatigue feeling and get my ass moving, I can make it through the day. Fainting spells also haven’t happened since last week so hopefully none of that anymore. I still get tired easily but fortunately my boss has been very lenient on the amount of workload I have.
I still have insomnia which may be the cause for my tiredness in the morning but so far remedies like reading a book, watching TV and drinking hot chocolate hasn’t worked for me. My doctor refuses to give me any sleeping pills seeing how drugged up I already am so bedtime has been a bit frustrating. Now that I’ve started work again, I don’t take any afternoon naps. By right, I SHOULD be tired at night but sometimes I find myself blinking away even at 3am. Hubby says it’s because I’ve been thinking about so many things lately; work, being sick, the kids, etc. I dunno…maybe, but I wish I could sleep better. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears (or more eyes in this case).
But overall, I’m doing much better. Not 100% as I would like to be but at least I can function somewhat. Hopefully the time will come when I can truly start to enjoy this pregnancy and not associate it with being sick or HG.
1. Getting up in the morning is such a battle and going to the toilet always induces a gag fest.
2. The recent fainting spells have me a bit scared, thus driving has to be done slowly.
3. My skin is already paper dry; the aircon in the office isn’t making it any better.
4. EVERYONE WEARS PERFUME!!!
5. When people ask me how I’m feeling, I don’t know whether to puke in front of them, smile or punch them in the face. All 3 choices take too much energy.
6. People talk about what they’re going to have for lunch AN HOUR before lunch time. Even listening make me want to vomit.
7. The ride on the lift is torture, whether or not there are other people in it. Never knew small spaces could hold BO for so long.
8. All the other pregnant women in the office are actually happy and enjoying their pregnancy and their only concern is how much weight they’ve gained. Damn fluffies!!!!
Wow, I really wasn't expecting that last comment on my previous post. A bit harsh, I must say.
Believe me, I've asked that question myself. Why am I pregnant again? I can give 2 good reasons why...my 2 beautiful girls.
I suffered 4 months of chronic MS with Dania and 7 (seven!!) months with Dina. But now, years have gone by and I can tell you all that suffering is a distant memory. Whatever I went through is so worth it.
But you know what, I don't need to justify my condition to anyone, much less Anonymous. So what if I'm going through my own personnel hell right now. So what if my maid is doing all the chores in the house? That's what I'm paying her for!! As for that last comment, maybe Anonymous was talking from experience.
So whatever. Lantak le orang nak cakap apa. I'm just gonna concentrate in getting better.
I admitted myself to the hospital last Friday because I was getting more dehydrated by the day. Sucking on apples wasn't cutting it; my skin was already paper dry and I even had trouble catching a breath. I decided getting an IV drip would be my best bet, at least it would provide me the fluids I desperately needed.
I managed to drive myself slowly to the hospital because hubby was late coming home. Admission wasn't that hard and the nurses were very nice. They had a problem trying to put in the IV because my veins had shrunk. The doctor had to put the drip on slo-mo because too fast a drip hurt like shit.
All in all, I spent the entire weekend in the hospital and to tell the truth, I'm kind of glad I did. The IV really helped. The food sucked though but with hospital food, you can't expect 5 star hotel cuisine.
So now I'm resting at home. My doctor gave me 2 weeks of MC and eventhough I'm bored out of my mind, I really need this time to rest. I just can't think about anything else right now; not work, not the spa, not hubby, not even the girls.
If there's one thing (or rather person) that's really helping me with everything, it's got to be my new maid. She is just heaven sent!!! Since the first day she arrived, she just bonded with the girls and took over all the chores. Plus she cooks!! I love her.
I'm praying everyday that my MS goes away soon. I'm sick of feeling sick everyday. I know hubby's sick of it already. I think because when he goes to work, I'm still sleeping and when he gets back, I'm slumped in front of the TV, he thinks I'm having the time of my life. Truth is, half the time, I'm not even watching the TV, more like seeing through it. In my mind is that little voice constantly telling me "do not vomit, do not vomit." Eventhough I tell it to shut up, I just can;t get it out of my head. So I use the TV, the Internet, or even the girls to distract me. Grrrr...
Everyday is a daily struggle. Eating is such a chore and trying to keep food down is sometimes a losing battle. Unbelievably keeping down liquids is harder so I’m trying to get my fluids from fruits like apples and such. A glass of juice takes me one hour to finish. I have to sip slowly in order not to have it all come out again.
I think the worst thing out of all of this is the complete loneliness I feel. Nobody understands what I’m going through. Even hubby, who has seen me gone through this stage 5 times already, doesn’t get it when I say I can’t eat or drink. What he hears is that I WON’T eat or drink so if I just toughen up and JUST EAT, everything would be better. My mom hasn’t called me in weeks; I could be in the hospital or dead for all she cares. I had a fight with my partner because I wasn’t able to cover her at the spa.
Sometimes I wish I had a lot of money that I could whisk myself to a highland resort where it would be cool and breezy and there would be nurses and maids to take care of my every need. I would just spend the day lying in bed with a good book or sit out under the shade and appreciate the breeze. No pollution, no funny smells to make me gag. Nobody to bother me about work or family matters. Nobody to make me feel guilty for not pulling my weight.
My nose is hyper sensitive nowadays. I’ve kicked hubby out of bed because his BO offends me so he sleeps on the floor with the girls. Part of me feels guilty but another part of me says if I had to choose between sleeping on the floor and being nauseous all the time, it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out which one I would choose. It’s not just hubby; even the girls’ sweet smell is getting to me, especially when they’ve just taken their baths. I can’t remember the last time I hugged or kissed them. And the worst thing is, right now, I don’t really care.
I had my check up yesterday. So far, everything looks ok, bleeding has become more of a stain nowadays and my doctor gave me some pills for my MS. I’m crossing my fingers that they work. My MS has been rather funny this time around; not funny ha-ha but funny weird. Somedays I vomit 2-3 times a day (extra bad day), other days I vomit once (bad day) and occasionally I just feel nauseous all day (good day?). Whatever it is, I’m into my 10th week already (only!!) so here’s hoping the MS starts to wear off.
One thing that hasn’t let up is my constant feeling of tiredness. Everything I do, I have to pep talk myself into doing it. “Come on Along, just get to the bathroom. OK, now reach for your toothbrush. OK, not so much toothpaste. Yeah, 3 seconds of brushing should be enough.”
So one of the things I’m going to do this time around is to learn my body limits. I think my last 3 miscarriages were partly due to me not listening to my body and just plowing through. This is what my doctor advised anyway; to get a much rest as possible, not to get stressed and to eat something (anything!). Unfortunately it’s a bit hard to do when people are asking you “how you feeling…you look pale, you should rest” but in the very same breath add “by the way, you need to attend this….do that…complete this…prepare that.” Sigh.
This sidenote goes out to a certain someone - I don’t appreciate it you laughing in my face over my MS. I was all ears when you went through your phase; I would think someone who knows the pain of feeling nauseous and vomiting all the time would know better than to make fun of it. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, much more someone I consider a friend. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
2 days ago I got a hair cut. I got it short, really short. In my mind, I was thinking Posh Spice and her latest pixie cut. I told the hairdresser this, I want Posh Spice’s latest haircut. She looked at me and said “that’s really short.”
Yeah, kind of what I was thinking here. I can’t stand the smell of shampoo anymore so less hair to worry about, the better.
As I got ready to sit in the chair, the lady looked at me again. “Cacak-cacak punya style ah? (Spiky hair style?)”
Huh? Whatever. I just shrugged and tried not to breathe in so much of the chemical fumes of the shop. In other words, I concentrated in trying not to vomit during the hair cutting session.
I probably should have said something when she took out a long razor blade instead of the usual scissors. I probably should have said something when the hairdresser started to chuckle as she shaved my hair off. Instead I kept quiet and just watched the transformation unfold before me.
It was all over in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes, I had turned from lady with long shoulder length hair to boy with spiked hair.
I was Hillary Swank from Boys Don’t Cry. But then I don’t have her sharp features or strong jaw to pull it off.
Then I thought, “Good God, I look like Annie Lennox!!”
Great, I either looked like a lost boy or a 40 year old woman trying to be funky.
When I got home, hubby was already waiting.
“I cut my hair.”
“Oh, really. You’ve been talking about doing that for days.”
“It’s really short. REALLY short.”
“Can’t be that ba….Oh my goodness!”
Truth be told, hubby was rather good natured about the whole thing. The girls, not so much. Dina kept asking me why I now looked like a boy. Even my maid was like, “it’s too short.”
Ah well, what’s done is done. Hair will grow back anyway. Just one less thing to think about in my not-so-good condition nowadays.
Yesterday I watched the movie Miss Potter which starred Renee Zellweger, Ewan McGregor and Emily Watson. It was just the type of movie I was looking for; romantic yet still light enough that I didn’t have to think much. It did have an extremely tragic scene which left me sobbing my eyes out. Dania was quite shocked to see me cry especially when I told her it was because of the movie. She proceeded to sit beside me and rub my back to make me feel better.
It’s been a while since I’ve cried because of a movie. I blame the hormones. I also blame the hormones for my state of mind nowadays; I’m constantly tired and nauseous. Luckily vomited is limited to mornings only but getting up is such a hassle. The earliest I can get to work is 930am and even that’s with much force on my part. I wish I could just wake up next morning and suddenly be 9 months pregnant; get this whole thing over and done with.
So it's been a while. And while I'm still not in a blogging kind of mood, I thought I might just spare a few minutes to explain what has been going on.
OK, ready? Deep breathe.....
I'm pregnant.
I know, this should be good news, right? I should be over the moon, thankful..yada,yada,yada.
Save your breath. I know all that. It's just, when you've been through what I have the past year, what with 3 miscarriages in a row, being pregnant again is scary stuff.
So far, the pregnancy is ok. When I wrote my last post, I was 5 weeks and had started to bleed. I really thought I was going to lose the baby then. I shut down mentally and physically, because thinking made me sad and angry and helpless.
During my 6 weeks check up the doctor confirmed that I had several blood clots in my womb. So far, still no heartbeat but she told me not to worry and prescribed me hormone pills.
Yeah right, telling me not to worry is like telling Paris Hilton not to dress up like skank. Not going to happen!!
Because of this fact, my raya wasn't all that joyous. Yeah, I did all the things required, visited all the people we had to visit, if only for the girls' sake. My mind just couldn't stop thinking about anything else. Luckily I hadn't told anyone but my mom about my condition, so nobody kept asking me if I was ok all the time.
So now I'm at 8 weeks and still spotting lightly. My appetite has gone down too, though I'm constantly hungry. My MS has reared its ugly head again although rather mild this time. I hope it just doesn't get any worst; I don't even want to remember what I went through last year.
All in all, I'm taking things one day at a time. Because of my past history, I find myself unable to attach myself to the child I'm currently carrying. It's like I think if I don't get too attached, then I won't be too depressed when I lose it.
I know, I know...bad thoughts. But I can't help.
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